Page 13 of Caring for Cailin

Then it actually happens. And I screw everything up.

I stare at the nearly-empty hotel parking lot until it turns into a blur of gray dotted with spots of color. My fist thunks onto the windowsill again.

All day I’ve been twisted up with this. From the first sleepless pre-dawn hours, as I lay awake second-guessing myself, to the endless internal debates between then and now.

When I left Cailin’s apartment, I was so certain I’d made the right decision. It wasn’t a decision I wanted to make—shit, I desperately wanted the opposite—but I thought I’d done the right thing.

The responsible thing.

She was still struggling, after all. Her story about the man at the grocery store was proof enough of that. And then the asshole at the restaurant, who didn’t just scare her. Hehurther.

Of course Cailin was feeling vulnerable, and it was only natural she’d turn to me for reassurance.

And the kiss? The kiss that put all the other ones I’ve shared to shame? The kiss I’ll probably think back to on my deathbed?

She didn’t mean it,I told myself.She was just scared and the kiss was her way of seeking comfort.

Or she was confused,I offered up as an alternate explanation. After the confrontation at the restaurant, her emotions were heightened and she only thought she wanted to kiss me when she really didn’t.

How could she?I asked myself as I lay awake in bed, staring at the uneven blinds and the faint light from the parking lot filtering between them. Cailin is young and beautiful and she wants things from life I can’t give her.

But.

As the hours crept by, so did the doubts. And along with them, guilt and regret.

Maybe it wasn’t a mistake.

Maybe Cailin wasn’t confused.

Maybe I wasn’t taking advantage of her vulnerability by kissing her back.

And all through it, I kept seeing her face and the emotions she was trying so hard to hide.

I didn’t see them last night, because I was too wrapped up in my own. But in the early morning hours with nothing else to distract me, they became all too clear.

She was disappointed. Hurt. Confused. Because of me.

“Dammit,” I tell the scene outside my window. Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t reply. “I need to fix this.”

Trying to fix things between me and Cailin is a given.Howis the less certain part.

I have to apologize, to start—for acting like an ass when I left her apartment with a lame explanation I’m sure she didn’t believe for a second.

And if she accepts my apology, then I have to move onto the trickier part, like why she kissed me and if she really meant it.

Oh, and I have to decide if I’m going to tell her the truth about my feelings.

So, yeah. All easy things.

I let out a short laugh of derision. Look at me. A man who willingly put myself into situations where the odds of death outweighed survival by ten to one. A man who flew rescue missions through some of the most treacherous conditions in the world.

But here I am. Too damn scared to tell Cailin how I truly feel about her.

Too scared to tell her the truth and potentially lose her.

With a huff of frustration, I glance at my watch to check the time. It’s eight-twenty-four, which means Cailin should be close to finishing her shift at the restaurant, and it’s time for me to leave.

Turning away from the window, I head over to the dresser to grab my wallet and keys. Once I have them in my pocket, I pick up the gift I bought earlier today and loop the strap of the gift bag over my arm.