Page 80 of The Odyssean Duke

“Maybe you do not need to face him just yet,” her mother said. “It seems to me as though you need time to yourself—time to think and time to recover. Time to reconsider this arrangement and to think about who you are.”

Evelina let out a helpless little laugh. “Reconsider it?” she asked.

“Yes,” her mother said, her eyes dropping. “Evelina…there is a time when I would have been scandalized by the thought ofyour separating from your husband, but I have changed. If being married to the Duke of Rothbury makes you so upset, you must do whatever it takes to safeguard your own happiness.”

Evelina inhaled and exhaled, the sound emerging soft and forlorn in the air. “I do not wish to separate from him.”

On the contrary, she wanted to remain married to him forever; therein lay the problem.

“Come to Bath with me,” her mother said. “That will raise your spirits and provide you with time to think, at least. If you do not wish to separate from him, you may find some respite from the distance, if nothing else.”

Evelina swallowed hard. Bath did sound lovely. She could spend long days enjoying the restorative springs. It would be far from London and quiet. Evelina could spend her days reading and her evenings visiting friends or walking through the town, enjoying the sights.

“I cannot,” she said, though Evelina ached to admit it. “I have only a short amount of time to produce an heir. It would be entirely irresponsible of me to abandon Stephan when he must have a son within ten months or else lose the dukedom.”

Was it even ten months? Evelina feared it was closer to nine, and that quickly approaching deadline loomed large in her mind. Perhaps, he would never love her. Stephan would hate her forever, however, if she did not even give him an heir. No, she would have to face him soon, and they would need to come toanother arrangement, one which produced the promised heir for him.

“Do you even want to have a baby with him anymore?” her mother asked softly. “I do appreciate that you decided not to bear a child with a man outside of wedlock. I do. However, if this man is going to hurt you, I…”

Evelina’s mother sighed, as though she had too many things to say and did not know how to express them all. Despite her own pain, a tiny spark of hope bloomed in Evelina’s chest. Her beloved mother had truly become a new woman. Looking at her more closely, Evelina realized that her mother looked well. The dark shadows under her eyes had faded, and a warm flush of color had spread across her cheeks. How was this new, modern woman her own mother?

“Is it the contract that is pressuring you to have this baby with him?” her mother continued. “If it is, we can speak to a solicitor and?—”

“No,” Evelina interrupted. “No, I do not want to speak to a solicitor. I want to give him—I want to have a baby.”

No, not just any baby. The realization struck her like a bolt of lightning, and tears threatened to gather again. She had cried so much over the past two days that it seemed impossible that Evelina would still have tears to shed.

“I want to havehisbaby,” Evelina said, her throat raw. “No one else will do. It must be him or no one at all. And it—it hasnothing to do with the contract. I do not care what that paper says. It is just that I…I am fond of him.”

Her mother’s brow furrowed. A kind look crossed her face, and she leaned forward, reaching across the distance between them, and squeezed Evelina’s hand. “I am so sorry that he has hurt you, my dearest. I wish there was something that I could do.”

Evelina shook her head. At last, the tears came, rolling slowly down her cheeks, dampening the cushion beneath her face. Her breath quickened, coming in uneven little hitches of air. “Why is it that men never want me for who I am?” she cried. “I—I told myself that I was unbothered by their indifference, but with Stephan, I dared to believe. I dared to hope. I thought I had finally found a man who would love me, but look at what has happened! He was like all the others, and I just—I do not know how I can bear to see him again. But I know that I must.”

“No,” her mother said fiercely. “No, you never have to see him again. Evelina, if he has hurt you, you owe him nothing.”

Evelina sniffled and shook her head. The only thing worse than having to face Stephan again was the thought ofneverseeing him again. Her mother’s advice made some sense, but Evelina also wondered if her mother truly understood as much as Evelina had hoped that she would. Their situations were not entirely similar, after all. Evelina’s mother had come to peace with her decision and had accepted that her husband was a man undeserving of her time and attention.

Evelina was not there and did not know if she ever would be. “I thought he loved me,” she continued, her voice shaking. “He cared for me when I was ill. He seemed toenjoycaring for me. How could he reject me like this? How could he cast me away?”

“I do not know,” her mother said. “He must be a man with exceedingly poor taste, for you are a gem among women. Any man would be fortunate to call you his wife.”

Evelina shook her head, for her own life bore all the evidence to the contrary. No man had ever loved her, and it was becoming increasingly apparent that no man ever would.

“I thought that I was safe with him,” Evelina said, “and he broke my heart. That makes me wonder if I ever really knew him at all. Maybe I just imagined that he loved me.”

Even as Evelina spoke, she realized that was not entirely true. She had not been delusional. Stephan had loved her. If not, he had at least been fond of her. She could imagine no world in which all his affection was feigned or meaningless, and yet it all hurt so terribly.

Did it matter if he loved her if he was unwilling to act upon those feelings? Wasn’t that worse than never loving her at all? Evelina rubbed her cheek against the sofa cushion, exhaustion tugging at her limbs and settling over her like wool.

“I do not know what happened,” Evelina’s mother said. “I do not think any woman can really understand what a man thinks. They are so different than us because the world teaches them that theyare. I think you must…if you do not wish to be separated, you must talk to him.”

Evelina winced. When she thought of talking to him, she imagined Stephan’s back to her as he dressed and planned to abandon her.

“Not soon,” her mother clarified. “I can see from your face that you dread the prospect. You do not need to speak with him soon, but eventually, you must. My dear one, that is the only way that you will know what he is thinking—if you ask and listen to his answer.”

Evelina swallowed. She sighed once more, the air burning inside her chest, and sat upright for the first time that morning. “And if his answer is something I do not want to hear?” she asked, scrubbing her eyes with her hands. “What do I do then? I am in agony, Mother. I have only just allowed myself to acknowledge that I love him, and already, I feel as though I have lost him forever. I must produce his heir, and I want to. But I—I cannot bear the thought of having to face him again. How are we going to…”

Evelina could not bring herself to sayhave a congress, though that was what she was thinking. How could she bear to listen to Stephan’s gentle, coaxing words? How could she endure the waves of pleasure sweeping over her, knowing that her husband did not love her—or refused to love her? Evelina was not entirely certain which applied to him.