Page 70 of Kat Bethel

In.

Out.

Even after a few of those, my chest stayed tight. But it was easier to think, the answer was painfully basic for someone with my skill set.

I had to find a way to kill what I created.

If I found that, that meant I was obligated to kill Abiel too. He was a scourge on this planet.

My chest gave a tight squeeze, and I could swear my heart was ripping out of my chest.

This wasn’t fair. Abiel was a good man who’d been twisted by shitty circumstances. He didn’t deserve to die. He was the only person who wasn't family to treat me like I mattered.

I could contain him.

Right. There was no reason to get rid of him. I could keep him from hurting anything else.

“Tell me what is hurting you.” Abiel’s gentle command reminded me of why I liked him so much. He was probably a natural leader back in the day. Calm, level-headed, and ready to solve any problem that came his way.

The tall grass in front of me turned black at my feet, moving outwards in a wave. The field turned to nothing more than ash in a couple of slow seconds that dragged endlessly.

The braying of dying cattle bellowed over the sound of speeding traffic. Each cry grew wet, like they were choking on their own blood. Their bodies flopped on the ground, sending soot flying in the air, creating an eerie fog.

My heart sank into my stomach and twisted every organ inside me. I kicked my foot on the ground like if I stomped on something I could make everything stop.

Damn it!

Why couldn’t he hold his shit together for a few minutes while I lied to myself?

I wasn’t even allowed to feel without it killing everything around me, because if I was upset, so was he.

Not unlike William.

I’d spent a decade managing his reactions. Wasn’t this the same thing?

Kind of. Not really.

Yes. It was. If I had to monitor every word and expression on my face. It was exactly the same thing.

No. It’s for me. Not to manipulate me.

Fuck.

It didn’t really matter why. It was the same thing. I was repeating the same old patterns and sitting here justifying myself. I bit my lip until it bled.

“You’re hurting yourself. Stop!” My body obeyed, even though my mind never processed the demand.

Make me stop, please. You can make me stop.I needed him to control me. I knew he could do it, but the words couldn’t make it past my lips.

I killed monsters. That was who I was.

I didn’t fuck them.

I didn’t make them.

Maybe I didn’t know who I was. Things had changed since I made those vows. Maybe I didn’t want to know who I was now.

Who am I?