Page 74 of The Arrangement

Curious, I said, “Granted.”

“From what you’ve said about your dad and since you haven’t really mentioned your mom, I’m assuming that like mine she was equally busy and not around much—”

I grimaced. “Not quite. Our mom—wow, this feels really shitty to say—she’s basically a trophy wife. Technically, she was around a lot, though she’s involved in so many charities, being around didn’t mean she was available. For as much as she seems to care about everyone else, I’m not sure she knows how to express affection.”

He nodded in understanding. “Okay, what I was going to say still stands. Your siblings may notneedyour approval, but I can almost guarantee they want it anyway.”

“Why would you say that?”

He looked at me without saying anything long enough that I started to get nervous. “Have either of your parents ever expressed pride in anything you or your siblings have done? When you won a lacrosse match? Got a good grade? Anything?”

I thought hard about his question and didn’t like how difficult it was proving, or that nothing really came to mind. I was still struggling to think of a time my parents had expressed pride oreven mild approval beyond doing what was expected of us when Marc took my hand and kissed my palm.

“Hey, I didn’t ask to upset you. I was just trying to say that it sounds like you were really the only emotionally available person in your siblings’ lives. It would probably mean a lot to them to know what you think of their accomplishments.”

I let that sink in. While I couldn’t think of a time when our parents had even expressed a vague interest in our pursuits, I could recall dozens of times when Andy or Sav would talk my ear off about whatever they were doing. That had stopped once they’d been enrolled at their respective schools—Andy to the cesspool of bigotry that was Ulwich Preparatory Academy and Savannah to Chatham Hall. Part of that undoubtedly fell to not spending nearly as much time together, but the oppressive nature of the schools had also played a major role. Though I was fairly sure, Sav hadn’t had to endure as much blatant bigotry and bullying that Ulwich Prep had. Oh, God, and then I’d left the first chance I had. Abandoned them to fend for themselves with parents who couldn’t be bothered to take a deeper interest in their children’s lives. To find their own way with no genuine support.

“Hey, hey, hey, what’s going on in your head right now? You look like your thinky thoughts have gotten dark.”

I tugged him close enough for him to rest his head on my chest and wrapped my arms around him. It wasn’t so much that I was upset—though I was—as I simply needed to hold him. I’d always known things in my family weren’t great, that we weren’t like other families—normal families. But I’d never realized how much I’d contributed to that. For literally the first time, I felt truly awful for the way I’d enlisted and ghosted my entire family. Now I recognized Andy’s efforts to re-establish a relationship with each other as the herculean task it was.

“Talk to me, James.”

“I left them.”

He lifted his head enough to look at me. “That’s a little extreme.”

“But no less true. I was one of the last people they could turn to for support, and I just… left. Without a word. Without so much as a backward glance.” My chest tightened and my eyes stung as guilt settled into my bones along with a healthy dose of shame.

He rested his head back down, and I held him tighter. “You can’t beat yourself up about the past. All you can do is make sure the future is better. You’re still a good brother.” His whispered words against my chest filled something in me I hadn’t realized was empty.

We lay like that for a few minutes, existing in the quiet between breaths. I eventually loosened my stranglehold on him to rub my hand along his back, which soothed me as much as it seemed to soothe him. When he suddenly spoke, I was surprised to find he hadn’t fallen asleep.

“My father never understood me. Not that he ever tried. He has this image of what it means to be a man, and he’s been pushing it on me my whole life.” He let out an ironic huff of laughter. “The funny part is he doesn’t even measure up to those standards himself. He’s a pudgy accountant with no social life and a receding hairline.”

“Okay, that is a little funny.”

He leaned up, crossing his arms over my chest and resting his head on them to look me in the eye. “I wish he could’ve seen it that way instead of harping constantly on how ‘real men don’t play with flowers.’”

I sucked my teeth in pained commiseration. “But why the Army?” He didn’t need me to tell him there were literally hundreds of other “masculine” careers that didn’t put his life in jeopardy.

He gave a sad sigh as he turned his head to lay it down again. “A few reasons. I was told the chances of me being deployed were relatively low, you know, what with it being peacetime and all. It was a fixed contract, so there’d be a definite end. More than anything, though, it’d be above reproach, even from him.” He paused, and I thought that might be the end. Then he added, “You know, I’m not even sure he cared when I was taken? Probably thought it reflected on me not being manly enough or some shit. Don’t get me wrong, it was definitely my fault, but my manliness or lack of had nothing to do with it.”

I wanted to tell him no part of it was his fault, regardless of how he saw it. Except I knew how well that went over when people told me that. So I kept my mouth shut… for now.

“He just… nothing was ever good enough. You know?” Marc’s voice was a mix of frustration and a lifetime of pain that stabbed at my heart.

“What about your mom? You mentioned she was busy before. Where was she for all of this?” I asked, hoping that the question wouldn’t come out accusatory.

He sighed again, and I resumed rubbing his back. “Don’t get me wrong, my mom’s great—the best, really. It sounds way worse than it is. She’s not a bad mom or anything like that. She’s just really busy, always has been. She’s where Alex gets her drive. It sucks, though, because it meant that while she was often away on business—”

“It left your father to be the driving influence in your life,” I filled in.

“Yep. But I also love my mom and wouldn’t change a thing about her. She’s super passionate about what she does, and she’s damn good at it. I hate that she’s gotten so much flak over the years for having a career. No one would have batted an eye at any of her choices if she were a man.”

“Gotta love the irony,” I added when he didn’t continue, to which he characteristically snorted.

Abruptly, he pulled away and looked at me. “I wanna know more about this super exclusive school you and Andy went to. He and Mitch said a few things while they were here that made me wonder. Just how bad was this fancy school?”