Page 40 of Hart's Redemption

“Why didn't you tell me you wanted kids?”

His fingers froze mid-stroke, and the data file tumbled to the ground with a soft thud. He quickly bent down to retrieve it. “What are you talking about?”

“I didn’t see just memories, moonbeam,” I said softly.

Book back in hand, he shrank into the far corner of the couch. “What I want hasn’t really mattered in the past.”

I moved to fully face him, though his gaze remained firmly fixed on the dark file in his hands. “Don’t say that. Of course, what you want matters. All of your dreams matter to me. If that’s something you want, then the least we could do is talk about it.”

“How is talking about it supposed to solve anything?”

I frowned at him. He had to be the stubbornest man I’d ever met in my life. “Can you even admit it’s something you want?”

His hand clenched into a fist, which he then forced open. “It wasn’t exactly the biggest possibility before I turned, and now it’s even less so. Better not to want it at all.”

“Bullshit. So you’re what? Just going to make this decision for both of us? Did it even cross your mind to ask what I might want?” His wince was answer enough. Of course he’d thought about it, Josh thought about everything. He may have been the most stubborn man I’d ever met, but he was also one of the most considerate.

“What could I possibly offer any progeny? Between my sordid history and ‌my condition, I’m damaged goods.” Bitterness laced his words and coated his scent, lending the air a sharp tang.

“That doesn’t mean we can’t still spin—”

“Spin what, Elijah? I’m moonstruck. We both know that’s hereditary, and mine is not a mild case, nor is it natural. I’m all but guaranteed to pass it on. As it is, I’m practically vibrating with manic energy the closer the moon gets. How could I risk inflicting that on a child?”

“Like you said, there’s no guarantee. They might not even inherit the condition. Besides, with genetic advancements being what they are, it could be possible to isolate the responsible gene altogether.”

“And what consequences might that have? You know as well as everyone else the risks involved in genetic tampering. Not to mention, in three hundred years no one’s figured it out. What would make now any different? And even if a child of mine didn’t display obvious symptoms of Mien Zeke, they could still pass it on to their children and their children’s children.” He launched off the couch, his chest heaving with the force of his words. He took a step towards the kitchen as if trying to physically leave the conversation.

I stood ready to pursue him. “Oh, no you don’t. We’re not done.”

He shot me an angry glare. “What else is there to say?”

“You still haven’t asked me ifIwant children.” He rolled his eyes and turned away. I grabbed his arm to keep him in place. To my surprise, he not only fought the pull, but he was shaking.

“Just… stop. Let this go.”

“Why haven’t you asked?”

“Because…” He tugged on his arm, but he wasn’t the only one who could be stubborn.

“Because why? Why don’t you want to know? Why won’t you ask me?” I stepped closer, and the sound of a soft sob tickled my ears. My heart broke at the small, pained sound. “Josh, talk to me. At least tell me why.”

In the blink of an eye, all the fight simply left him. He seemed to implode right before my eyes. His shoulders crumpled inward, and a sob that sounded like it’d been ripped from the depths of his soul emerged. His whole body shook with the force of it. I got my arms around him just as his legs gave out and prevented him from crashing to the ground.

“Because I wanted it. I wanted it more than anything.”

Josh

I dissolved into Elijah’s embrace as every ounce of feeling washed through me with the force of a tsunami. Hot tears streamed unhindered down my face as he scooped me into his lap and settled us both on the couch. He murmured words of comfort into my hair that were scarcely more than white noise to the backdrop of heartbreak ripping me apart from the inside out.

I hated it. I hated not being able to control my own emotions. I hated that I was falling apart in front of Elijah. And I hated that I couldn’t seem to stop. I clung to the bond with a white-knuckle grip, but not even that could stem the tide of feeling.

I didn’t realize how much I’d wanted a family to call my own until I had to admit out loud that I didn’t believe I could have one. It was a dream I’d always kept carefully indistinct. If I didn’t think about how I could never have that, then I couldn’t be sad when it didn’t happen. Having to consider how much I’d ruined Elijah’s future on top of mine was too much to bear.

He wrapped his arms tightly around me, rocking my grieving body against his chest and driving home what I already knew. It didn’t matter that he could still have children. If they weren’t ours, he wouldn’t do it.

He continued to hold me as I cried myself out, the whole while repeating, “I’ve got you. I love you.”

Finally, I drew a shuddering breath and sagged against him in exhaustion. “I’m sorry.”