Page 92 of Darkness Defined

He’ll come back. He did last time.

But the last time he hadn’t said he couldn’t stand to be here with me. I wasn’t sure why I’d said we should try things his way. I didn’t even know if I could. Yet, as I thought back, I’d say the same again, and it was more than just wanting him to stay. Some part of me wanted to see what would happen. Alex was unequivocally my best friend, and I’d do anything to keep him, but what if he was actually more? That would certainly explain the dreams. Maybe being… a couple was exactly the fix we needed. Except he’d left. Again.

Not left-left, though, or at least that’s the hope I was clinging to. He’d asked for space and I’d do my best to give it to him. Yet, here I was, staking out both doors. If he’d gone through the wall, though, there was really no point in sitting here. I tried to think of something to do while I waited to see if he really would come back. Distantly, I considered heading to the fight club, but quickly dismissed the fleeting thought. It wasn’t worth it, especially not if I was concerned about whether Alex would even agree to my outrageous idea.

I looked at the table covered with notes and realized his book was gone. Pain lanced through my chest as I shuffled through the papers in a panic. Nothing had been disturbed aside from the missing book. He’d taken it. No way I’d lost it.

He wasn’t coming back.

I launched out of my chair, and it clattered to the ground. I spun in a circle, taking in the empty space. The dorm felt hollow without him there. I didn’t want a new roommate or no roommate at all. I wanted Alex. Except I’d messed everything up so badly. He was never going to come back. He’d slip quietly out of my life without so much as a goodbye, and I’d be left alone. Again.

My chest tightened. I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. I struggled for air, but only managed quick gasps. I couldn’t do it, not again. Everyone always left. Even my bright, shining Alex, who saved me from the darkness. That’s all there was, all there ever would be for me—darkness.

It felt like the lights in the room were dimming, like the hollowness of the space had been given life and was coming for me. Air refused to stay in my lungs and black spots swam across my vision. I’d be consumed by it. No one would ever care enough to rescue me, to keep me in the light. The room was closing in around me, crushing me with the overwhelming weight of emptiness.

This had happened before. The memory was distant and insubstantial, yet I knew with certainty this was not the first time this had happened. I needed to escape, to run, to hide. I needed Alex. I was drowning in darkness. It was going to swallow me whole.

Alex wanted space.

Alex wasn’t coming back.

The room only got darker.

I begged my feet to move. Rather than to the door, they took me to the sink. I turned on the cold water and stuck my head under the frigid stream. Gradually, I regained my breathing and the oppressive darkness receded. I stayed beneath the spray for a few minutes more, letting the icy water run over the back of my head. Then I reached up and turned it off. It wasn’t until I was drying my hair with a dish towel it occurred to me what I’d done.

I blinked and looked around the room. Everything appeared normal enough now, but I’d felt that sensation of darkness moving before: Vera had done it, and so had Alex. In my panic attack, I’d shadowed the entire room… and targeted myself. I swallowed hard. Yes, Shadow Demons were very dangerous and not just to other people.

Now that I was properly terrified of myself and everything else in the room, I couldn’t stay here. It was getting late, and my options were limited. Wherever I went, I didn’t feel safe enough to be on my own. What if next time I didn’t snap out of it? The darkness was something that couldn’t be escaped. What happened if the very darkness a Shadow Demon summoned consumed them? Could we come back from that? Or did we just become darkness?

I shook myself, fearing that the morbid thoughts would trigger another episode. I scraped the notes into my bag, not caring that half of them got crumpled yet again. My gaze fell on Alex’s forgotten key as I went to grab mine. Darkness crept along the edges of my vision. I quickly exited the dorm and made a bee-line for the library. It was slim that there would be other students there this soon before classes or this late at night, but there was at least one guaranteed soul—the librarian.

I got there so fast that I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d shadowed part of the way. It didn’t matter. I was here now. I dropped my things on my usual table with an audible thud, earning me a reproachful glare from the librarian, who seemed to materialize out of nowhere. I’d been secretly toying with the idea that she was actually a ghost. However, I wasn’t brave enough to test the theory, and couldn’t think of anyone I wanted to talk to enough to ask. Her appearance was timely though, because I had a question for her.

Quickly, before she could disappear to some other part of the library, I pulled out one of the pages. Thankfully, it was the one I needed. I smoothed it out and presented it to her. She eyed me and the page skeptically.

“I need to find this guy’s last name.” I pointed to where I had notated the reference books I’d found and their connection, as well as my copy of his sigil. “How can I do that?”

She contemplated the page without touching it, then silently walked away.

“Hey wait!” I called after.

She spun and gave me a stern look, holding up a finger to her lips. When it was clear I got the message, she waved me to join her. I followed a few paces behind as she quietly considered each row we passed. After what felt like an eternity of wandering, she turned down an aisle.

I’d never been in this part of the library. A glance at a dusty plaque said that it was restricted. Considering how much of her ire I’d earned over the last few months, not to mention weeks, I was impressed she was allowing me anywhere near this section.

She walked down the tight row and paused several feet away while I lingered in the opening.

I eyed the tall stacks of shelves situated practically on top of each other that seemed to reach toward the top of the vaulted ceiling. Dusty tomes lined the shelves, giving me an idea of the last time they’d been touched—a solid never. The more I stared at the imposing display of forbidden knowledge, the less I wanted to follow her. As it was, she seemed to be encased in shadow, the narrow space getting even darker farther on. Rather than urge me to hurry, she waited patiently for me to conquer my fear.

I thought about how close the darkness had come a short while ago. Did I dare risk walking into its embrace willingly? I took a deep breath and stepped forward. Almost instantly, my trepidation doubled.

This was a mistake. I’ll never escape.

I took another deep breath. I could do this. It was only ten feet.

Ten months.

The thought came unbidden. Did I even care anymore? The only thing I really cared about was Alex. And if he didn’t come back, ten months—seven now—meant nothing. Alone on the street or alone in the dorm, it wouldn’t matter. I’d never live long enough to find out.