Page 86 of Darkness Defined

“Except Matt doesn’t talk about things,” I argued, “at least not personal things. He keeps everything bottled up. Mama, I don’t even know where he’s from. The most I got him to admit is ‘Nebraska mostly’.”

“What does that even mean?”

“That’s what I’m talking about. Anything else and he’s a bloody open book with the words written right on his face. But when he shuts down, a crowbar couldn’t get in there.”

My mother let out a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry you’re going through this, Alexi. It breaks my heart to hear you’re hurting. I wish I could be there for you, or better, we could afford for you to come home for a little while, get some space before the fall semester.”

My shoulders caved inward. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, Mama.”

“You’re not, Lexi, I promise. I’m just worrying and wishing I could do more like any mother would.”

“Thanks for listening.”

“Always. You know I love you and I’ll always be here for you. I’m sorry I don’t have more guidance to offer. But I really do believe you need to have a genuine talk with Matt. Try not to assume it will go as bad as you think. He might surprise you,” she said, infusing her voice with more blind optimism than any voice had a right to have.

Surprising me was one thing that Matt was very good at. They just weren’t always good surprises.

Chapter 25

Ice Cream Forgiveness

M

Alexwasmad,likereally mad. In the months since I’d known him, he’d never raised his voice like that, and that included when I’d gotten kicked out of class. But as much as the shouting had shaken me, it didn’t compare to hearing him sobbing in his room. And it was all my fault. I hadn’t even gotten a chance to show him what I’d found about our knight—which really felt like a half-baked apology now. To top it off, my body hurt like hell. I was tempted to seek out the healers on campus, but couldn’t bring myself to follow through. I deserved every agonizing second it took to heal for what I’d done to Alex.

Everything he’d said played over and over in an endless loop. I’d been so preoccupied trying to figure out my issues that I never stopped to consider how it would affect him. He was absolutely right—I’d betrayed our friendship. Why hadn’t I told him about the fight club?

It took me days to admit it to myself, and the answer only solidified how horribly I’d messed up. I hadn’t told him, because I didn’t want him to know. I knew he’d disapprove, and I didn’t want to feel guilty. The joke was on me though. I felt guilty anyway.

I dragged my backpack into the kitchen and flopped into a chair, where I fingered the torn strap. It wouldn’t last much longer thanks to whatever asshole had taken it from me at the club. Thankfully, everything inside had escaped the rough treatment unscathed. I pulled out Alex’s book. My vision blurred as I caressed the worn cover. I swallowed thickly and blinked back the sting of tears. Since he’d blown up at me—justifiably—I’d barely caught so much as a passing glance of him. Forget whether I could come up with an adequate apology. How was I supposed to give it to him if he was avoiding me?

Considering I hadn’t actually come up with a way to atone and I wasn’t much for talking, I opted to use being physically present as my mode of communication. I’d told him before that I wasn’t going anywhere and now I felt like I had to prove it. But the silence was driving me mad. I missed Alex’s constant chatter, his physical presence. It didn’t take much to realize his persistent absence from my days was why all of my dreams had taken a hard right. Gone were the toe-tingling intense dreams with the power to make me squirm. Now there were only nightmares of Alex leaving… forever. I couldn’t bear it if he left. Everyone always left. And though I tried not to think about it, beneath all of my fear and guilt was still the overwhelming desire to kiss him again.

I thought hard about what he’d said about my always being drunk. He was right. I was too scared to admit what I wanted and had used alcohol to get it without taking any responsibility. So, I was not only was I a terrible friend but also a total coward.

My grip tightened on the pages of notes I’d pulled out of my bag. The crinkle of paper filled the oppressively quiet room. I let out a sigh and set them down, determined to organize the jumbled mess into something that actually made sense. I’d just finished straightening them back out when I heard the soft snick of a door opening.

I glanced up from my carefully chosen seat at the breakfast table. By some miracle, I caught Alex’s eye, but he immediately looked away to gaze aimlessly around the room. Without school papers everywhere, the dorm was disturbingly clean. While he was distracted, I took stock of his overall appearance.

Smudges of gray darkened his normally bright eyes, making his face appear gaunt and sunken. Even without the massive bruise on my face, I could tell they matched the circles under mine. His shoulders sagged like he’d somehow shrunk, which seemed an impossible feat for someone so tall. And yet, he seemed smaller, more fragile. The sound of his broken sobs haunted my dreams and were definitely taking their toll on him. Clearly, neither one of us was sleeping.

I wanted to say something, but was afraid that talking might scare him back into his room. So far, this was the longest we’d been in the same general space in a week. He sighed and tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling. He was always fantastically lean, but it looked like he might be even thinner than normal. I was afraid he wasn’t eating, though of course, I wasn’t really, either.

Alex rolled his head to the side to look into the kitchen, and I quickly resumed my study of the papers in front of me. I heard him grab a glass from the cabinet and fill it with water. Then, to my infinite surprise, he pulled up a chair. I glanced up, daring to hope that today might actually involve words. Time stretched on, filled only with the sound of pen on paper as I continued to transfer the notes to a clean page.

“I’m still mad at you,” Alex said, breaking the silence.

I glanced at him. He only caught my eye for a moment, but it was enough to feel yet another stab of guilt. What had I done to my friend? “Okay.”

I was debating whether to say something else when he let out a sigh that caused his shoulders to fall even more. He stood without another word and returned to his room, leaving the empty glass. It wasn’t much, but it was progress. There was hope. I could still fix this. What I needed was a peace offering. Something totally neutral that wasn’t likely to get me into even more trouble. Normally, the research I’d gathered probably would’ve been perfect, yet after his callous comment about the book, it seemed best not to press my luck. No, I needed something totally mundane and not remotely supernatural.

I packed up my notes and went in search of my nameless item. All I could hope was that I would know it when I saw it. There were plenty of possibilities to choose from that might have worked. But I didn’t want mights and maybes. I needed a ringer.

After what had happened the last time I ventured out, I was substantially more cautious. The last thing I needed was to get snatched again. My ribs had mostly recovered, and I wasn’t eager for any other rematches. Accelerated healing was great and all, but it didn’t make the process any more comfortable. After all of my years trying to avoid fights, I still wasn’t sure what had possessed me to keep going back to that damn club. Sure, earning money was nice, but I didn’t actually like fighting for my life.

I wasted the better part of the day wracking my brain for something to show Alex how sorry I was. Then I remembered Alex believed ice cream fixed everything. I swung by the dining hall and loaded up with our favorites—including every carton of strawberry they had—then headed back to the dorm as fast as I could before they all could melt. It wasn’t until I was in the hall leading to our room that I wondered if it would all fit in the freezer.

A few doors away from ours, I had to stop when a guy stepped out of his room carrying a precarious stack of metal and cables. He squatted down to sit them on the floor and I shifted to go around. A thin plastic case tumbled free as he straightened up to close the door.