Page 59 of Darkness Defined

When I didn’t respond, he officially turned to face me. “You’re still my best friend, Alex.”

I was completely caught off guard. The vulnerability on his face took my breath away.

“I… I’ve never had one of those before and I’m not about to give it up because of one drunken night.” He kept his head down as he fidgeted with the hem of his nightshirt. “Is that alright with you?”

There were still a thousand things I wanted to ask. Were we really not going to talk about this? How was he okay with what had happened? I’d practically admitted that I was into him and he still wanted to be friends? I didn’t voice any of them, instead I nodded numbly.

“Good, now can we please turn off all the lights? It’s way too bright in here.” Before I could get up, I heard all the switches click, and the room went dark. “Never mind, I got it. Try to take a nap, Alex. You really do look like hell.”

Chapter 17

Knights of Confusion

M

Alexwasgay.Thebest friend I’d ever had in my life was gay, and I was pretty sure he was into me. Everything he’d ever done since we met took on a new meaning. His sudden bouts of awkwardness, why he didn’t want to spar outside of class, his weird insistence on personal space, his mini freak outs he didn’t think I noticed. All of it came together to paint the picture I should have seen all along. I couldn’t believe I’d missed it.

Did I not want to see what was right in front of me?

It didn’t matter, not really. I’d never had a friend like Alex and over my dead body was I going to give him up. So, what if he was gay? People got crushes on their friends every day, then they moved on. That was a thing. Right?

I finished changing into pajamas and was about to put on a shirt to go into the living space so Alex and I could hang out like we did practically every night. I got all the way to my door, then stalled. The shirt fell uselessly to the floor and I crawled back into bed instead. I just needed a little more time to get my head clear before I tried to be normal again.

While I lay there waiting for sleep to take me, I stared up at the ceiling and replayed every awkward moment I’d ever seen Alex have. There weren’t that many, but the ones that made the list certainly stood out. Deep down, I was a little disturbed at how not disturbed I was. That I’d totally missed it and been taken off guard was what had me spinning, not the actual information.

I reached up to touch my mouth tentatively. If I thought about it, I could still feel the slight buzz of his lips against mine. I felt horrible for tricking him like that, but I also knew Alex. If I hadn’t, he would’ve found some way to explain it all away. It would’ve been easy. After all, we were both exceptionally drunk.

As I trailed my finger along my bottom lip, I let the guilt sink in. I’d intentionally baited him so that he couldn’t hide behind some noncommittal peck, but I hadn’t been prepared at all for what I would get. No one had ever kissed me like that. It was… different. I thought about that. Why was it different? Ironically, I didn’t think it had anything to do with the fact that I’d been kissing another man. No, it was different for some other reason. Even completely shit-faced, I could tell that, but I still didn’t know why.

I let my hand drop and rolled over, like I could roll away from the thoughts. A good night’s sleep would help me sort things out. I’d already told Alex that nothing would change. I just had to figure out how.

I should have known sleep wouldn’t be a refuge. It was strange enough that I seemed to dream about Alex all the time, so I wasn’t surprised to see him. Except, this wasn’t like the other dreams. We didn’t sit around and talk or hang out like we normally did. Instead, it was like my brain was re-writing my memory.

We were running in the rain and getting absolutely soaked. It didn’t matter that people were judging us; we were having fun. The dining hall swam into sight. I already knew we wouldn’t be able to stop. In the dream, I slid to a stop against the outside wall and waited to catch Alex. He immediately began laughing when he crashed into me and couldn’t seem to hold his balance. His green eyes danced with humor as he struggled to get his feet under him. Something else flashed in them. You could see every thought he had in those outrageously green things.

Kiss me.

The thought was an echo of what I’d said the other night. I wasn’t sure if I said it aloud in the dream or not. Either way, he leaned forward, water dripping into his eyes. When his lips met mine, it wasn’t the first accidental kiss; it was absolutely the very intentional, all-consuming second one. Like that night, I kissed him back. I didn’t know why, past that’s just what you did when someone kissed you. In the dream, we stood pressed together, rain falling all around us and let go, drowning in water and each other.

Thunder cracked, and I bolted upright.

Trying to shake it off was pointless; there was no way I’d be able to get back to sleep with a storm rolling overhead. As I grabbed my discarded shirt from the floor, I told myself the reason my heart was hammering so hard was because the thunder had startled me, not because of the dream. I pulled open my door, then had to fight my disappointment at seeing the living room empty.

Probably best that Alex is still asleep, considering.

My gaze rebelliously sought his door anyway in the hope that he’d miraculously appear. The mere thought of seeing him had my heart rate kicking up. I strangled the sudden urge to march over there and get him. Perhaps a more sober experiment would help clear things up. I flashed to the less-than sober attempt at clarity, the way Alex had held me close, his hand on my face as he conquered my mouth in a way that instantly set my blood on fire.

A hollow crack of thunder shook the dorm and me out of the fog. I needed something to distract my thoughts, otherwise I’d just end up in the same spiral that had led to the dream. The television would certainly offer that, but I wasn’t really a fan of mindlessly vegging, and I didn’t want to risk waking Alex up. I glanced at his door again. It was still firmly closed. I ignored the second, sharp sting of disappointment and wandered around the kitchen, opening and closing cabinet doors as quietly as I could.

I was about to despair when I caught sight of a stack of books on the counter. The tiny pendant light flicked on with a soft click and an even softer glow. All the covers were worn with age. These had to be the books Alex was talking about. I smiled to myself as I picked each one up and examined it. They did all look interesting, though none struck me as a romance novel like he’d implied.

He must’ve been messing with me.

I set them back down and looked back toward the couch.

I wonder.

I searched through the mess of papers on the coffee table, then shifted to the side table. At last, I spied the worn cover beneath a notepad. I knew I’d seen it in here.