Page 31 of Darkness Defined

Absently, I pulled out my phone. I’d called my mom a few times since she’d dropped me off and her number was the only one listed in recent calls. I switched over to contacts and went through my options. While I loved my mom, it didn’t really compare to talking to someone my age. It was a testament to my level of my desperation that I was already a click away from calling Daniel. I stared at my finger as it hovered over the call button.

It’ll be a mistake. If I call him, only one thing will happen—he’ll win.

Oh, there were lots of different ways he could go about it, but the result would still be the same. He could refuse to take the call to punish me for not spending that last day with him, only to call me back when I was asleep or in the middle of class. Of course, he could also answer, in which case, he would play so nice it hurt. He’d do everything he could to make me regret my choice to end things, pouring on the charm, no doubt all the while lying next to whoever he was using to ease his ego.

Angry at myself, I closed the phone. I didn’t actually want to talk to Daniel. Nothing he said could make things better.

Maybe I should have given him one last day or a chance to at least try to explain.

I shook off the traitorous thought. The whole point of coming here early was to get away from him. No, who I really wanted to talk to was Matt. I longed for him to show more interest beyond ghosting around the dorm. I wanted him to see me.

I let out a sigh and tossed my head back to stare up at the beige ceiling. Who was I kidding? He was probably straighter than a fucking arrow.

“What’s up with you?”

My body came a full inch off the couch at the unexpected question. I craned my head farther back to find Matt standing right behind where I was sitting. “You scared the crap out of me. How long have you been there?”

He simply shrugged and returned to whatever he was doing in the kitchen. “A while,” he finally said. “So, is something bothering you or what?” I couldn’t believe it; he was actually initiating conversation.

“Why do you think something is bothering me?” I asked, trying to hide the surprise from my voice.

He shrugged again. “Because normally by now you’ve already re-told me the entire lecture from class, quoted some dead scholar, or have given me a history lesson on why this is called Starling Hall.” He pulled down a glass and glanced over his shoulder. “You haven’t said a word since you got in.”

I straightened up and stared, flabbergasted, at the door to stop myself from gawking at him. He’d actually been listening to all of that? “No, nothing is wrong.” I wracked my brain for any hint that I might have overlooked that would have indicated he was already here.

“You sure?” The light concern in his voice had my heart doing those obnoxious somersaults.

I shifted to a more comfortable position and begged my hormones to be reasonable. “A little home sick, maybe. These last couple of weeks haven’t gone like I expected.”

“That’s the truth.” The faucet turned on briefly. “Anyway, I’m going to turn in early.” He finished drying whatever he’d been rinsing, then a door opened and closed.

I swiveled around to confirm he’d truly left, then settled back with a disbelieving huff. Sleep was probably a good idea, considering I was clearly losing my mind. I looked over at my door.

Now to just motivate myself to get up.

I turned my attention to his closed one. Then again? Why should I? This was a common space and he’d already shut in for the night. I had every right to stay right here if I wanted. I nodded my head sharply, as if I’d just won an argument. I’d doze here for a bit, then maybe I’d feel more like relocating later.

That settled, I closed my eyes and tried to relax, beginning with my regular breathing exercises. In no time at all, I slipped into slumber’s embrace.

When I opened my eyes next, the room looked strange, like it couldn’t decide what shape it was supposed to be. Then I saw Daniel walking towards me and I knew it was a dream. Even in real life, he didn’t look that nice.

Dream Daniel walked forward until he was kneeling over me on the couch. This version of him was much more like when we’d first met, all smiles and quiet confidence. When he kissed me, I let it happen. It was just a dream, after all. I didn’t really miss him; I knew that, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t appreciate the dream of making out. At least here he couldn’t be his usual arrogant, manipulative self.

I closed my eyes, letting memories fuel the feeling. Like the time we’d sneaked out to see a late movie. Or the time he convinced me to make out in the janitor’s closet. I smiled to myself, remembering how much fun we used to have. Daniel hadn’t been all bad. It was over time that he’d acted like he owned me. That was when all of our problems had really started.

This line of thinking was ruining what I was indulgently trying to enjoy. I reopened my eyes to get a handle on it. Where I expected Daniel’s brown eyes, however, I was greeted with Matt’s brilliant blue. I stared into them, getting lost. They reminded me of the clear crystal you see in pictures of the arctic. They were so bright that for a split second, I feared I was actually awake. Then he, too, leaned down and kissed me.

This dream just got a thousand times better.

I kissed him back, thinking of his natural pout.

He’s probably an amazing kisser.

Shame you suck at it. I blatantly ignored the cutting remark.

Dream Matt sighed as my arms wrapped around him. This was everything and more than I’d hoped for in being roommates. The feel of him beneath my hands was pure extrapolation from the two very brief times we’d touched. He melted into me as only a figment could. I sank deeper into the fantasy. I had no doubt that Matt would be nothing like Daniel. Not that I had anything to base that on. I just knew.

My fingers tangled in his insubstantial hair, longing to feel the real thing. I felt a little guilty as I allowed myself to fantasize about what he would taste like. In the waking world, he was probably dead asleep less than twenty feet away.