Page 53 of Carter

“No, I—”

“Get in the truck, Carter,” he says.

So I just do it. Arguing with him isn’t worth it because I know I’m not going to win anyway. He drives me to my apartment building, idling the truck out front.

“Thank you for the ride. For dinner. For the update.”

I feel like I’m always thanking him for something. Why is he doing so much for me?

“Any time,” he says, giving me the smallest smile. I remember when he didn’t smile at all. Now I get them pretty often.

“I had fun tonight.”

The words leave my mouth and a wave of guilt hits me.

Because I did have fun.

Without Ryan.

Chapter nineteen

Nash

I pull up to my dark house, shut the truck off, and head inside. It’s cold tonight, so I turn up the heat a few degrees. I change into something more comfortable, a sweatshirt and sweatpants, then make myself a cup of coffee and head into my office where my files are waiting for me to go over.

I don’t look through those though. I pull out Ryan Kinsley’s from my bag, drop it on the desk, and open it. I read every word of every paper all over again, even though I know there’s nothing in here that’s going to help me. Nothing I don’t already know. What’s the point of re-reading?

Maybe I did miss something. Maybe there is just one single word that could change everything.

There isn’t, though. There never is. Never a secret word that I missed ten times, only to find it when I need it most. This isn’t the movies. Everything works differently. More slowly. Less dramatic. More sad.

I could recite this file by memory at this point. The lab reports. Autopsy report. Even the crime scene photos. They’re burned into my brain.

I lean back in my chair, sip my coffee.

What is Carter doing right now?

I glance at the clock. Nearly ten. I doubt he’s sleeping yet. Or maybe he is. Maybe he had a good night and it helped him sleep. It’s not always strenuous things that make you tired. Sometimes it’s letting go. Lightening your load.

But why am I thinking about him? I shouldn’t be. I have work to focus on.

I dig through files, taking notes on different cases. Things I need to look into and things I need my team to look into. No matter how hard I try to focus, something reminds me of Carter. I read the word retrieve and I think of Teddy… which brings me to Carter and how happy he would be if he could take that dog home. I randomly hear his laugh echoing in my ears as if he’s in the other room.

This case is getting to me. Cases don’t get to me like this, yet for some reason, this one is. I blame it on that first night, when I met him and didn’t know who he was. I saw the sadness there. I saw him raw and vulnerable in a way he never would have shown me had he known who I was and how we would be brought together.

Sure, I still see glimpses, but not like that night. He’s strong and holding himself together when he’s with me, trying his damn best. I won’t lie—it hurts thinking about how much pain he is in. All the pain he doesn’t want the world to see. It’s seeping through the cracks, though. I see it often.

Others have friends and family to rely on. Ryan and Carter only had each other. I know what that’s like, and this is bringing up too many of my own feelings.

I won’t give up though. I won’t stop. Not until the case is solved and they have peace.

It’s nearing lunch when Detective Denise Mason knocks on my door with a stack of folders in her arms. I raise a brow wondering what they could be bringing me now. I already have an uncountable number of cases to look through; plenty I haven’t even set eyes on yet.

“I was told to drop these off to you.”

“What the hell are they?” I ask, taking in the foot tall pile.

“Your cases, apparently.”