Page 45 of Carter

“But they can also be beautiful.”

I give him a smile. “Maybe I’d believe that if I saw it.”

“You’ve never been in love?” he asks.

It’s a heavy question. An intimate one. Not something you ask a stranger. But Carter and I aren’t strangers anymore and it doesn’t feel weird.

“The only people I’ve loved in my life are my parents and my brothers. One of them turned out to be the worst person I’ve ever met in my life. Another is gone. The other two have their own lives. So what’s the point?”

“Wow,” he says softly, shaking his head. “I’m sorry. That’s… really sad.”

“It’s life.”

“If I knew how Ryan and I would end when I first met him, I wouldn’t change anything,” he says solemnly. “I mean, of course I’d stop it from happening if I could, but I’d still choose to meet him. I’d still choose everything we had. I’d still choose to love him. I miss him. And it hurts every day, but the love we had for each other… it’s what keeps me going on the really hard days, because I know that there is good out there. I know there are feelings other than the despair that nearly drowns me in the mornings when I wake up in an empty bed, or the deep sadness I feel when I look at the boxes stacked in my room. All this paincomes from my love for him, and that only makes me think my love is stronger. Without love, you can’t have pain.”

“Maybe that’s why I feel nothing then. No love. No pain.”

He gives me a sad smile. “You say that like you’ve won something. No one wants to feel pain. I don’t want to feel pain. But sometimes it’s worth it to experience love.”

“I guess we have different ideas of the emotion.”

“Yeah, I guess we do. Besides… if you were all crazy in love with someone, I may not get all of your time, and you may not solve my boyfriend’s—late-boyfriend’s murder.”

“My misery is your benefit.”

He chuckles, which is a relief. I can be a bit morbid and come across as uncaring, but that’s not it at all. I’m glad he didn’t take offense to the joke.

“Tell me what you like to read, Nash,” he says with a sigh, as if he’s fed up with my shit. He hasn’t seen anything yet.

“Couldn’t begin to guess.”

“Maybe you could use a good romance. Something that’ll let you see two people fall in love and realize how strong it can be.”

“Or maybe I should read your most gruesome murder mystery so I can get better at my job.”

“Something tells me you’re already amazing.”

“Something tells me you’re a very smart man,” I say.

He grins, grabs his trash, and tosses it into the trash can.

“Let’s go find you something sappy, Detective.”

I follow him out of the room and listen to him babble on about all the different books I should try. It would be the perfect opportunity to tell him I’m gay, not that it matters, but he’s showing me all sorts of straight romance, and I’m not sure that’ll hit the way he intends it to. Though, I’m not sure it’ll hit at all, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

This is the moment I realize that I’m actually planning on reading this book. Even though I’ve never finished a book in mylife. Not even when they were assigned in school. It’s too hard to focus. But I’m going to try. If I can’t, hopefully he forgets about giving it to me altogether. I don’t want to disappoint him with my negative notions. The part of me that’s capable of love is broken. Maybe I broke it on purpose, but the only room I have for those kinds of feelings is saved for my brothers. Both of them, because they need love way more than I do.

Chapter sixteen

Carter

“Hey, you want to grab a drink?” Kane asks when group is over. I’m throwing on my jacket and zipping it up, preparing for the snow outside.

“Drink as in alcohol or drink as in coffee?” I ask with a smirk.

“Bar is closer.”

“You buying?”