Page 119 of Carter

Carter looks around the room like he’s seeing it for the first time, then his gaze comes back to me. There is devastation there. My heart sinks. I can’t believe I did this to him. I can’t believe that man did this to himtwice.

“I thought you died,” he says, swallowing hard. “I thought… I thought you weredead, Nash.”

There’s panic in his voice, and the last thing I want is for another panic attack to happen.

“Shh,” I hush, trying to calm him. “It’s okay. I’m fine. I’m alive.”

“I know,” he breathes out, shaking his head like he can’t understand what’s going on. “That’s the problem.”

“What?” I choke out.

He shakes his head again, tears pooling in his eyes. “Do you know what I’ve been thinking?” he hisses.

I don’t understand what he’s mad about. I’m right here. I’m fine. I’m alive. He’s okay. I made sure to get down here as soon as I could.

“Carter, I would have called—”

“No, Nash. It has nothing to do with that,” he says, tears streaming down his face now.

“Then what?” I squeeze his hand.

He pulls it away and that’s when I know…

I know he’s about to say something that hurts.

“All I’ve been thinking is how I wish I didn’t love you.”

My body turns to ice. “You wish…”

“Yeah,” he says bitterly through the sobs. “I wish I didn’t love you. Because this? I can’t do this again. I thought it was worth it. I said it was worth it, and I fucking believed it. But I can’t, Nash. I’m not strong enough to handle this again.”

I take his hand in both of mine this time, leaning closer. “But I’m fine, Carter. I’m here. I’m right here.”

“I can’t do this,” he says in disbelief. Like he’s just not understanding something. Whatever it is, I’ll help him figure it out.

“Do what?” I grit out.

“Wonder every day if you’re coming home. Wonder if I’m going to deal with that pain all over again and not have anyone to help me through it, because I had no one until you, and I know for a fact that I will nevereverget that again.” He gives me the most pained look. “I’m not that lucky.”

I swallow hard. My vision is blurry, and I realize it’s because there are tears in my eyes, and my face is wet.

What the fuck.

“I can’t survive this twice,” he chokes out.

I try to catch my breath but no matter what I do, my lungs won’t fill.

“So, this is it?” I ask, not recognizing the voice that comes out of me.

Carter holds my gaze, those beautiful eyes swimming in tears. His face is pale. Tired. I know the answer without him having to say a thing. So I pull myself together and do the only thing I can.

“Okay,” I say with a soft nod. “Okay.”

I let go of his hand, and I leave the room.

Chapter forty

Carter