Page 99 of Carter

He looks up at me, his eyes glossy. I hate that he cries so much, not because it bothers me, but because he’s hurting.

“How are you so smart? How do you know all of this?”

I brush my finger over his cheek. “I’ve just been dealing with this longer, that’s all.”

“So you think I would have figured this all out on my own eventually?”

“I know you would have. Because you’re smart too.” I rest my hand on the back of his neck. “Do you have photos of you and Ryan?” I ask.

“Yeah, on my phone.”

“Do you ever look at them?”

“No, not anymore,” he says sadly. “I used to, but they always upset me.”

“May I see one of them?”

He looks up at me, confused. “Are you sure?” he asks carefully.

“Absolutely.”

He reaches for his phone on the end table, pulls open his photos and navigates to an album. He swallows hard then hands it over. “They’re in that folder.”

I take his phone and open it. There are so many. Hundreds. Even from the thumbnails I can see how happy they were together.

This doesn’t make me jealous. It only makes me want Carter’s happiness even more. He deserves to be this person again. He’ll never lose who he is now, but that happy, carefree smile? Carter deserves that.

I tap on one to make it bigger. They’re walking down a street in New York and look like they stopped right in the middle of the sidewalk to pose for the photo that Ryan is taking. Ryan is wearing a red long-sleeved sweater, and Carter is in a light grey hoodie, his phone in his hand, mid text. But he’s looking up at the camera and he’s smiling. Probably because Ryan told him to. It’s not the biggest smile I’ve seen from him, but a content one.

I close out of it and scroll, finding quite a few of them on a beach. Must have been during a vacation or something. They’re lying together in the sand on blankets, skin golden from the sun, the ocean off in the background. They were happy, there’s no doubt about it.

“I can see that you two were happy here. You loved each other. You were enjoying life.” I scroll through a few others. “Don’t let his memory make you sad all the time, Carter.”

“I just miss him.” His voice shakes, a tear slipping from his eye.

“Yeah, and you always will. But you have to find a way to turn that sadness into something else. Something that won’t drag you down. It’s okay to miss him, it’s definitely okay to still love him, but you can’t let this grief control your life.”

“I know.” He takes his phone, letting out a ragged breath. “I’m trying. I think one day I’ll get there, where you are, I just need time.”

“This isn’t a competition.”

“I know that too.” He nods. “But you have inspired me to get better—to be better. To accept what’s happened. To accept that I will have to love Ryan without him here, and that it’s okay to do that.” His gaze meets mine. “Thank you for that, Nash.”

I pull him toward me and kiss the top of his head. My chest is tight, and I can’t speak a word. I don’t want him to see me break down, so I just hold him instead.

Chapter thirty-two

Carter

The movie ends, and surprisingly, we’re both still wide awake.

I look up at him, nerves fluttering around in my stomach because I know what I’m about to ask, what I’m about to do. I want it, I know I do, it’s just been so long.

I didn’t think I was ready for something more with Nash. Making out on the couch was amazing, and I was sure I needed time to get further. But after going through Ryan’s things and talking to Heather, I just feel so free. Like I’m ready to move on. Of course, moving on doesn’t mean jumping into a relationship and having sex. I’m not saying I’m going into the bedroom to have sex with Nash, but I am ready to go in there and cuddle. Be intimate in whatever way that looks for us—whatever way feels right.

“Do you want to go to bed?” I ask carefully.

“As long as you do.”