Page 76 of More For Me

That was the last trip we took before Ari died.

“My meeting starts in a bit.” She looks up and bites her bottom lip while she studies me. “But I can cancel.”

“Don’t be silly,” I say, straightening. I try to force my expression to relax, to show her that I’m fine. “I came over to watch the boys and that’s what I’m going to do.”

“We could talk some more—”

“I’m fine, Nish. I swear.”

She sighs, then stands. “I know you are, Bodhi. You’re always fine.”

I want to ask her what the hell she means by that, but it would require me to drop the neutral expression I tried so hard to fix on my face. So instead I sit quietly at the table while she gathers her purse and her keys. Before she leaves, she stops behind me, placing a tentative hand on my shoulder.

“I’m sorry about Everly,” she says softly. “I know you wanted things to go differently.”

I shrug. “Guess you can’t force it, huh?”

“No,” she agrees. “You can’t.” She’s quiet for a moment, but she doesn’t walk away. And she doesn’t move her hand. “Maybe that’s the problem, Bhai. Maybe you’ve been trying to force it.”

I laugh. “If I was trying to force it, I would have told her how I felt a long time ago.”

“Maybe. Or maybe you would have spent all your time with her. Put her first in everything. Moved thirty minutes away from your school just to be with her.”

“Nisha—”

“When’s the last time you went on a date?”

I groan. “I am really not enjoying this big sister thing you think you’re doing right now.”

She flicks a fingernail against my neck, just like she did when we were little and I bugged her. “All I’m saying is, maybe you should stop waiting around for her. Maybe you should get out there and do some things for you. See what else life has to offer besides Everly Ransome.”

The very thought of a life without Everly makes me want to throw up, but I don’t say that. I might be more open to sharing emotions than some guys, but even I don’t want to feel that pathetic.

“Maybe,” I say, and Nisha sighs, knowing I don’t really mean it.

“You want to sleep here tonight?” she asks, finally releasing my shoulder. “Guest room is all yours.”

Relief crashes over me at the idea of not having to go home, but I try to keep my voice light. “Sure. That sounds good, thanks.”

“Everything’s going to be okay, Bodhi,” she says, and I nod, not meeting her eyes. She pauses in the doorway, like she wants to say more. Finally, she sighs. “I’ll see you in a few hours.”

I sit still at her table for a few minutes after she goes, trying to push everything we just talked about down deep into my chest, where I won’t have to look at it. Where I won’t have tofeelit. Eventually Ravi calls for me and I stand up to go join my nephews in the living room. We spend the night wrestling and playing video games and shoving our faces with junk food. And it’s okay. I feel okay.

I don’t let myself think about how much more okay it would be if she were here with us. I don’t let myself think about her at all.