Page 60 of More For Me

The he swallows, and for the first time, there’s a hard note in his voice. “My dad isn’t big on excessive displays of emotion. At first mom always wanted to talk about Ari. She had his pictures all over the house. She got really into religious shrines for a while, which was weird, because neither of my parents were ever very devout…” He trails off, and I wonder what he’s picturing in his head. “After the first few years, Baba put his foot down. Said she was just dragging us all through it over and over. But the birthday dinner was the one thing she wouldn’t budge on. She said it was to celebrate his life, not mourn his death.”

There was nothing about dinner last night that felt celebratory to me, but I don’t tell him that. “I think it’s good you take that time to remember him,” I say instead.

He makes a non-committal noise in his throat and we lie there together, our breathing synching up as the silence stretches around us.

“I should have told you that a long time ago,” he finally says. “It kills me that you think it means I don’t trust you.”

“I know you trust me, Bodhi.” And I do. For the first time since I saw that photo album, I don’t feel hurt. Well, not hurt for me. I’m hurting for him so badly I think my heart might break.

But I also understand him in a way I never did before. Hearing him talk about his brother, his family, the way he tried to make everything better, to cheer Ari up with his comic book drawings, to make his mom smile and make sure Nisha had dinner…He took on that role when he was way too little and I’m pretty sure it stuck all these years. I think Bodhi is still trying to make things okay for the people he loves who lost so much.

And I think maybe, in a way, that’s what I do for him, without even knowing it.I don’t need to drag you into all the shitty stuff, because I never feel that way when I’m with you,he’d said in the car last night.You’re my happy place, Everly.

“Bodhi?”

“Yeah, Lele?”

I don’t even think about it. Don’t consider how big a step it is, don’t let myself worry about the consequences. Don’t let myself feel afraid. I just lift my head, bringing my face close to his, and press a kiss against his lips.

He’s still for a long moment, totally frozen, and then suddenly he’s kissing me back, one hand coming up to cup my face, the other going to tangle in my hair.

His lips are warm against mine, the sensation somehow at once entirely new and achingly familiar. Like maybe there’s another universe where a different Bodhi and a different Everly have been kissing like this for years. I feel a surge of jealousy for that other self, getting to have him like this for so long when I was bumbling around, stupid and oblivious. It only makes me press myself tighter against him, nearly crying out at the way my entire body seems to light up at the feel of his lips against mine.

When he pulls back, it feels way too soon. I’m pretty sure I could have kept doing that for the rest of the night. The rest of mylife. But when I open my eyes and I see the way he’s smiling at me, I think maybe it’s okay that he stopped. Because that smile is…wow. Bodhi Lakra is almost painfully beautiful.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” he whispers.

For the first time, a little bit of fear manages to weasel its way under my skin. I think he must see the second it does, because he leans forward, presses a soft kiss to my lips, then pulls me back down against his chest, his arms tight around me.

“Let’s sleep.”

“But shouldn’t we talk about—”

“We should sleep,” he says firmly. “There’s time for everything else tomorrow.”