Page 149 of More For Me

She stares at me for a long moment, like she’s trying to decide whether or not she’s too mad to drop it. Finally, her face softens. “Of course I love you. I’minlove with you. You’re—”

But whatever I am I don’t hear it because I have to kiss her. I haven’t kissed her in hours and hours and that is just completely unacceptable. I promise to myself right then and there that I will never again let that much time pass between our kisses for as long as I live.

“I love you so much,” I say against her mouth. “So much, Everly. I can’t even—” I pull back a little, shaking my head. “I can’t even find the words to describe how much.”

She smiles, her eyes bright. “You don’t have to describe it. I keep telling you that I know you, Bodhi. I don’t need any words.”

“We’re going to kiss more now.”

She laughs. “Okay.”

I look over her shoulder at the tent. “Actually, no. Let’s go in there, where it’s very private, and then kiss more.”

She puts a hand on my chest, her expression growing serious. “Before we get carried away with any of that, I need you to know something.”

It’s hard to drag my mind away from thoughts of getting Everly naked in my tent, but I force myself to focus. “I’m listening.”

“You have to talk to me about things, Bodhi. The goodandthe bad stuff. This is never going to work if you’re keeping half your emotions from me.”

Guilt swells in me again. “I know. It’s just hard for me to…” I rub my forehead, frustrated. “I don’t know. I’m a pretty open guy, you know? I don’t have issues being emotional around people.”

Her lips quirk up. “The number of tissues you went through the first time we watchedLove Actuallyis proof of that.”

I narrow my eyes at her. “I had allergies that night. I barely cried at all.”

She laughs, but then her face grows serious. “You definitely don’t strike me as the type of guy to be embarrassed of having emotions. At least not the ones related to love or friendship—”

“Or corny rom-coms,” I admit.

“So why is it so hard for you to show me the negative emotions? Why is it so hard for you to be angry or sad or—”

“Because I don’t want you to leave me.”

Her mouth drops open, and I almost regret saying it. But it’s the truth, maybe the truest thing I’ve ever said to her, so I can’t take it back.

“You think I would leave you if you’re sad?”

I shake my head. “No. I just…my dad used to leave. When my mom got too emotional, when she couldn’t stop crying. He would always conveniently have a business trip when it got to be too much. Or he would just like, shut down. When Nisha was sad he would get all disapproving and cold with her. He’d just go in his office and ignore it.” I swallow, already hating the next words I need to say. “That was something he would praise me for.”

“What was?”

“Not acting sad.” Jesus, it sounds so bad when I say it out loud. Why had I never realized how bad it sounded? “He used to take me out to baseball games and boy scout stuff and he would say…how nice it was to get out of the house, to get away from all the dramatics.”

Everly’s voice comes out sharp. “That is supremely fucked up. You know that, right?”

I shrug. “I thought giving him that would make him happy. I figured that was my job—to be an escape for him. And I know that sounds stupid—”

“You were akid. You were a kid who lost his big brother and your dad made you feel guilty for being sad about it. That is wrong on so many levels I can’t even—” She seems to stop herself with great effort, her breathing fast and uneven, her eyes flashing with anger. If I thought she was angry earlier, it was nothing compared to this.

“I’m sorry that your dad treated you and your family that way.” It sounds like she’s struggling to keep her voice controlled. “But you need to understand that I would never,everdo something like that. Me loving you is not conditional on how happy you are.”

Now my eyes are stinging. “I mean, logically I know that. It’s just…I guess knowing it in my head doesn’t make it any harder to get scared. And I got really scared last night.”

“Then I’ll have to keep reminding you until aren’t scared anymore.” She places her palm against my face. I can’t help but lean into the touch. I can’t believe how lucky I am, that she’s still here, that I didn’t completely screw it all up.

“I don’t love you because you’re a fun guy, Bodhi. I don’t love you because you make me laugh or because you’re willing to be silly with me.”

“Why do you love me?” I blurt out, because maybe emotional neediness doesn’t go away so quickly.