Page 40 of Lance

Lance

Iget back to my hotel room around 1:30 in the morning. In all honestly, I could have left earlier but I’d lingered after our set, joining my bandmates in mingling with the crowd. I told myself networking was important and I was fulfilling my obligations to the band, but the truth was, of course, I just didn’t want to comeback.

Because I’m a fuckingcoward.

The room is dim, lit only by a light above the wet bar and the glow of the TV. Willa is lying on the couch, fastasleep.

I lower myself onto the coffee table in front of her, watching her shoulder lift rhythmically as she breathes. She looks beautiful by the light of the TV, her long eyelashes spread out across her cheeks, her mouth slightlyopen.

What I wouldn’t give to go back to this afternoon, when my only problem in the world was trying to keep my feelings for this girl in check. When I thought the worst thing that could happen was pissing off her brother. Now…now everything is completely fucked and I don’t think there’s any way to ever get it back to the way itwas.

So I give myself one minute, a few breaths to sit and watch her sleep, to remember what it felt like to kiss her, to remember how good it felt to make her laugh. The way her face had lit up when we talked. The way she looked at me like I was the best thing in the wholeroom.

I know she won’t ever look at me like thatagain.

Her eyelids flutter open, her gaze going straight to myface.

“You’reback.”

“Sorry to wake you,” I say softly. “James doesn’t want you driving home this late. There’s an extra bed down in his room foryou.”

“Okay.” She rubs her face and moves into a seated position. “How did itgo?”

I shake my head. “I guess it was okay. I wasn’t really all there, to tell you thetruth.”

She nods. “That’sunderstandable.”

“What about here?” I ask. “How was, uh, Simon?” Why is it so hard to say his name? Am I really that much of a coward that I can’t even let myself think about thekid?

“He was good. Really well behaved. A little freaked out at first, but he relaxed.” She smiles a little. “We ate a ton of food and watchedCaptainAmerica.”

“That, uh, sounds nice,” I say, lamely. I clear my throat. “Thank you for doing this, Willa. I really owe youone.”

“It was no bigdeal.”

Sure,I think.I just ran away from a poor messed up kid who lost his mom today. And you, a total stranger, stuck around to take care of him. No big deal atall.

I find I can’t meet her eyes. “I was a total asshole tonight, wasn’tI?”

“Oh,” she murmurs, sounding surprised and not entirely sure how to answerthat.

“It’s okay, I know I was.” I move over to the other end of the couch, rubbing my face. “I panicked. I’ve been panicking since Angie told me I had a kid. And when you volunteered to watch him…” I close my eyes. “I guess I just jumped at the chance to put off reality for a littlewhile.”

“And what about now?” she asks. “You ready to face themusic?”

I can hear the bitterness in my laugh. “I don’t think I’m ever going to be ready for this.” I finally manage to look up at her. “The lawyer says we should call protective services tomorrow. He thinks he can get a rush on DNA tests so we should know if he’s…you know—mine—in just a few days.” I take in a deep breath. “But I can request to be his temporary guardian while we work it allout.”

She watches me. “Do you want to be his temporaryguardian?”

“I don’t know ifwantis the right word. I hate the thought of him in the system. I’ve seen how hard that can be.” I clear my throat. “Layla had a pretty toughtime.”

“I picked up onthat.”

“Yeah, well, you hear these horror stories and it’s hard to think about being responsible for sending a kid into that. Especially if he really ismykid.” She’s quiet for a long time, like she knows I want to say more. I feel the panic rising in my chest until I can’t stay quiet anymore. “It’s just—what the hell do I know about taking care of a kid? I’m a fuckup, Willa. There’s no way I’m right forthis.”

“I think you’re being too hard onyourself.”

“Iran awaytonight.”