Page 69 of Good For Me

River

After I invited Jas to the farm, Rose and I spent a lot of time talking about the best way to handle things. She’s the one who suggested I switch to an earlier flight so Jas would have a little time to get acclimated before the masses show up. She also assured me that she was going to talk to everyone about what they could and couldn’t say in front of Jas.

I knew that bringing a girl to a family weekend was going to be a big deal. Yes, my wedding invitation included a plus one, but I doubt anyone expected me to use it. I can’t remember the last girl I introduced to my parents or cousins—probably someone in high school. My relationships—if you can even call them that—haven’t been deep enough for that. My family might be annoying sometimes, but when it comes down to it, I’m damn protective of them. I’ve never trusted any woman enough to allow her access to them.

Until Jas.

So I’m sure her being here is going to draw a lot of attention. The Ransomes are terrible gossips and they insist on being in each other’s business. They also love nothing more than giving each other shit, which I am definitely not immune to. I can’t have that happen with Jas, though. They can tease me all they want, but I refuse to put her in a position where anyone might upset her.

Rose promised me that she would handle it. I’m not sure exactly what she said to all of them, though I suspect it was probably some combination of “this girl is having a hard time,” and “River really likes her so we can’t scare her off.” Whatever she said, it seems to have worked. My family is on their best behavior—for now, at least.

My cousins have all been very welcoming and friendly. No one has grilled her about her life or our relationship. There’s been no teasing questions or insinuations. They’re obviously curious—I’ve noticed plenty of stares in our direction, especially when I do something like offer to grab her a drink or hover my hand near her back to guide her to a rocking chair on the deck.

Even my Aunt Paige is biting her tongue and I wonder how long it will be before her head explodes from the effort it takes not to overwhelm Jas.

My parents are some of the last people to arrive. Most of the family took the jet—which I donotmention to Jas, since she already seems weirded out by the size and opulence of the lodge— but Violet had a ballet lesson after school so my folks waited and flew out commercial with the twins.

I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing that Jas will be meeting them last. On the one hand, she’s had a bit of time to get used to the insanity that is my entire family all together in one place. On the other hand, she’s probably already overwhelmed.

I shouldn’t have worried. My mom is exactly the way I thought she would be—warm and welcoming without being pushy or invasive. I get a weird feeling in my chest when I see them together. It hits me, not for the first time, that I’m having a child with this woman. Something about seeing her talk to my mom brings it all back with a shocking clarity I haven’t really let myself feel since the ultrasound.

Our baby is growing inside her right now. My mother is going to be a grandparent in a matter of months. There might come a time in the not too distant future when we bring the baby back here. There could be a future where I see my kid running around on the same lawn where I learned to walk. Exploring the woods and the creek and the hills just like I did. Having campfires and playing games with cousins.

But there’s just as good a chance none of that will ever happen. There’s just as good a chance I won’t get to watch this child grow up, won’t get to have them in my life at all. The pain of that possibility hits me like a punch to the chest.

The argument Jas and I had outside the bathroom isn’t helping my state of mind, either. I knew I shouldn’t have lashed out at her like that, shouldn’t have let my hurt feelings take control. So now I can add guilt to the myriad of emotions swirling through me as I watch Jas and my mom chat.

“You okay?” my dad asks in an undertone, his eyes scanning my face. I nod, even though I’m finding it hard to breathe right now, and don’t meet his eyes. “She seems like a nice young lady,” he says hesitantly, like he’s not sure how I’ll react. “Your mom seems to like her already.”

“I’m not surprised.” And I’m really not. I meant what I said to Jas about my mom loving her. What’s slightly more surprising is the way Jas seems to have relaxed with her so quickly. She’s wearing that softened, comfortable expression I associate with her talking to Brie or her uncle. My mom is asking her about her classes and Jas doesn’t seem at all tense while she answers her questions.

A surge of longing goes through me. I want this woman to be comfortable with my mother. I want her to be comfortable here.

God, I just want her to stay.

My dad clamps a hand on my shoulder, and I realize he’s still watching my face while I watch them. “You need to talk about anything, kid?”

To my horror, I feel a lump rise in my throat. I shake my head quickly, praying he doesn’t push me. I have an awful fear that if I open my mouth right now, it will all come pouring out—the pregnancy, my fear, how I feel about Jas. I know the time when I’ll have to tell him is fast approaching, but I’m not ready.

I wonder if I ever will be.

* * *

It’s a prettytypical afternoon at the Tennessee property. Jas and I join Rose, Leo, Will, and Eva on a hike. I show my girl all my favorite places to hide out in the woods during my childhood adventures. By the time we get back to the house, the catering staff is setting up what looks like a pretty epic barbecue.

“Oh my God,” Jas says, clutching my arm. “Smell that.”

I take a sniff. “Grill smoke?”

“Meat,” she moans, and I laugh.

“What did I tell you about tempting me into perverted jokes?”

“I don’t even care,” she says, tugging me towards the grill. “Make all the jokes you want. Just put whatever that is into my belly.”

Before we reach the food, we’re waylaid by my grandparents—which is actually a good thing, since I’m pretty sure the caterers aren’t finished setting up yet and I’m afraid Jas will legit fight anyone who tells her she can’t have food.

“Hey, buddy,” my grandpa says, slapping my back. “Long time no see.”