Page 104 of Rescue

“But I’d like to talk to you about it if you have a minute,” he says.

I look up at him, and his eyes are exactly like I remembered. Dark and intense. Expressive. No longer shuttered. No longer closed off to me. I release a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

“I’d like that.”

So he tells me about his mother, about the things he remembered before she left. My mouth drops open as he speaks, my brain frantically trying to connect the woman we met in Giverny with a person who could take her six-year-old son to her dealer’s house.

I reach for his hand. “I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how scary that must have been. Remembering all of that and wondering if it was true.”

“That’s why those last few days were so bad,” he says, his voice tight. “Because all of that was running through my head.”

I remember what he told me about the times he’d hurt himself before. How he was always looking for ways to turn off the shit in his head. The thought makes me feel sick, the idea that he might have tried to—

“Hey,” he says softly, squeezing my hand. “It’s okay, Haylee. I’m okay.”

Tears are coming to my eyes, and I don’t think there’s any way I’m going to be able to stop them. “I’m so sorry,” I gasp. “I should have been there. You needed me, and I was—”

“I came here to apologize to you!” he cries. “Haylee, look at me.” I look up, and his eyes are burning into mine. “I was so absent that day, when you were dealing with what your mom did. I had no idea anything was even wrong until I saw James. I can’t believe I was so selfish. So self-involved. I should have noticed you hurting.”

I shake my head, pulling my hand away and standing. “You don’t have to be sorry. You were dealing with shit too.” I wander over to the window, sure I don’t want to be looking at him when I say this. “I think this isn’t going to work, Lennon.”

“What?” His voice is sharp, scared.

“Look at us. We’re both so…” I let my forehead fall to the window, the glass cool against my skin. “You should be with someone who can help you when shit gets rough, Lennon. Not someone who responds to bad news by going out and getting so hammered she ends up in the emergency room.”

“Haylee.” I hear him pushing his chair back, and then he’s behind me, his arms coming out to wrap around me. I let myself fall back against his chest. It feels so good, to be touching him again. How am I ever going to give this up?

“I love you,” he says softly. “I should have told you that before.”

“I love you too.” The tears are back in my eyes, and I blink them away rapidly. “But I don’t think I’m strong enough for this.”

“Then we’ll make each other stronger.”

“How can I make you stronger when I can’t even keep myself going?” I turn in his arms and ask him the question that’s been haunting me since he woke up crying from that nightmare. “How can we help each other when we’re both so broken?”

“Because people don’t have to stay broken.” I can see doubt in his eyes, like he isn’t completely sure he can believe that. But there’s hope there too. Hope for me, maybe hope for himself. I close my eyes, wanting to believe it.

“Why didn’t you tell me how bad the drinking was?” he asks.

“Because I was ashamed of it.”

“You don’t have to be ashamed of anything with me.”

I shake my head. “I can’t make it go away. I’ve never been able to make it go away. Ever since Randy…” I feel his hands tightening on my waist, and I take a deep, shuddering breath, trying to keep it together. “The fear just won’t go away. And it makes me feel so stupid and so small. Because it’s been ages, Lennon. It shouldn’t still affect me like this. He didn’t even do anything to me.”

“That’s not true.” His voice is heavy. “He took away your security. Your independence. He made you afraid. He changed you, Haylee.”

My eyes fly open to glare at him. “I shouldn’t have let him!”

A sad smile tugs on his lips. “We don’t get to decide what changes us.”

“You’re saying it’s hopeless,” I whisper. “I’ll always be like this.”

“No.” He reaches up and cups my cheek with his hand, and I lean into the contact, unable to help myself. “We can fight back. Just because something has changed doesn’t mean it can’t change again. It just takes some work sometimes.”

“You think I should go to therapy.”

“I think it could help. It helps me. It helped Daisy.”