Page 78 of Weathering The Storm

If I’m ever ready.

I was raised on a boat. Trying to figure out if I’m ready to be on one again is like trying to remember what it felt like to be “ready” to take my first steps.

Dr. Allen suggested starting slow when it comes to the ocean. I’ve gone for walks along the shore. Sat on the dock for hours and practiced picturing myself in a wheelhouse again. Though I haven’t had a nightmare in a while, I don’t know whether taking the plunge and heading back out there would help me move forward or set me back.

I gave everyone the same answer. The truth. “I’m not sure yet.”

And on the slow drive home in the icy dark, Seth rested a hand on my thigh, and I asked him the same question.

“Have you thought about what you’re gonna do, Rit?”

“Well, you know me. If I had to pick between the land and the sea… it’s the toxic relationship that keeps me coming back. Not like it’s the first time she tried to kill me.” He squeezed my leg. “But it’s not a choice between land and sea. Because I pick you. I wanna be where you are. I don’t wanna spend months awayfrom you. So if the commercial life isn’t the one for you anymore, that’s all right. You’ve got more than enough money from the boat. You don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do.”

It’s not like I didn’t think about it when I saw all the zeroes on that payout. I could invest wisely, and we could both retire right now. But… then what?

The money was good, but it was never why I loved fishing.

“It’s not about want,” I told him. “I miss the ocean. Feels fucking crazy, but… I do.”

I’m just scared.

I guess Seth could tell, too, because he said, “Forget the work for now then. How aboutItake you out for Christmas? When’s the last time you got to be a passenger princess, Cap’?”

Fear, it turns out, is not enough for me to say no to Seth.

Nick

December 26

I may have gone a little overboard with the Christmas presents this year, but the way I see it, the insurance payout has plenty of time to gather interest before I’ll need it. It’s not like commercial fishing vessels come on the market left and right.

IfI decide to spend the money on a new one.

I have no idea what kids under five like to play with, other than cardboard boxes full of packing peanuts and whateversmall animals they can catch outside. So I got recommendations from the lady at the toy store and had her ring it all up.

I didn’t have a clue what sort of books Audrey kept on her “secret shelf” either, so I picked her up a gift certificate before getting a new stand mixer for Irene and a new snow blower for Frank. They seemed like good ideas, especially when the kids were all excitedly playing with the doohickeys I got that I already forgot the names of. Until I saw how shocked the adults were when they opened the presents I got them.

In hindsight, those might’ve been big-ticket purchases for people I’ve only known a little over a month. People who had politely gotten me sweaters, socks, and chocolates, then checked me off their list.

“I went too far, didn’t I?” I asked Seth when we were finally in bed alone.

“They loved everything, I promise. You really paid attention.” He rolled over and slung an arm over me, kissing my temple with a laugh. “If anything, they might feel a little bad that you went all out when they didn’t.”

“I don’t need anything though.”

“They appreciate it. You’re just unexpected. In the best way.”

“Shit. I’m not used to this.”

Not used to the whole being-a-boyfriend thing. Not used to having anyone else to spend money on.

“It means a lot to me, you know. That you would do so much for them.”

Everything else faded after that. It always happens when he kisses me in that slow, deep way of his. No rushing, no pressure for anything beyond simply enjoying each other. I love a lot of fucking things that we do together—allthe things we do in bed—but kissing Seth is still my favorite.

“And I loved my gift even more,” he said when he finally broke away.

“Yeah?”