Page 126 of Cheap Shot

“Instead, I ignored it and ignored it and tried to stuff it down and then lashed out at you for coming on the jersey.”

“Probably shouldn’t have done that,” Luke said gruffly. “I didn’t mean it to be disrespectful—well, maybe I did. But I didn’t realize how you’dfeelabout it. It just seemed hot at the time. You and I, we’ve had this—this rivalry, right? This New York vs. Boston thing going and we deliberately wind each other up sometimes.”

“We do,” Sebastian agreed. “And if I’m being honest, that’swhyI wore Nicky’s jersey last night. I could have taken it off before you got to my place, but I knew it would provoke a reaction in you and I—I wanted that.”

“We’re both kinda assholes sometimes,” Luke agreed.

Sebastian chuckled, giving him a faint smile. “Yeah, we are.”

“But I …” Luke glanced up at the ceiling. “This might sound kinda—kinda crazy but I thought you’d pretend to be pissed but find itfunny. I didn’t really understand how close you and Calhoun were or any of that. I didn’t know hemeantanything to you, except for being a player on a team you root for.”

“Yeah, in hindsight, I can see that.”

“And you—youalwayswear your vintage jerseys from your dad. I thought, well, I thought that since this one was new it wouldn’t be as sentimental. I know it fucking sounds nuts, but I thought Iwas being a decent guy by choosingthatoneand not one of the ones from your dad.”

For a moment, Sebastian blinked, lips parting but no sound coming out. “Ahh fuck,” he finally managed.

Luke took a chance and reached out, gripping Sebastian’s hips to pull him a little closer. “So I’m sorry. I know you think I’m a piece of shit for what I did to your friend in that playoff game and I’ll own that. I play a tough game and sometimes, I cross the line.”

Sebastian sighed, nodding.

“At the moment it happened, I was flying high on adrenaline, Calhoun had just hacked at one my teammates with a stick and sent him down the tunnel with what we knew was probably going to be a broken wrist. I was pissed. I was out for blood and I didn’t hold back. I hit him hard and it wasn’t the cleanest hit I’ve ever laid.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow at him as if to say that was an understatement.

“It was dirty, okay? I’ll admit it. I shouldn’t have gone for the cheap shot at his head, probably. But did you know that after that hit, I sent Calhoun a message saying I hoped he was okay? And after it was clear he was struggling with concussions and wouldn’t be coming back, I sent him another message saying the game wouldn’t be the same without him?”

Sebastian shook his head. “No. I didn’t know that.”

“I’m not saying that to fucking … I don’t know, make you think I’m some kind of … perfect, upstanding guy. I’ve always playedwith an edge, you know that. But I’m not a fuckin’ monster either.”

“I’ve never thought you were a monster,” Sebastian said with a small smile, smoothing his hands across Luke’s chest.

Luke shot him a skeptical glance.

Sebastian lifted his hands. “I mean it. I thought you were a piece of shit, an asshole, and probably several dozen other unkind things before I knew you, but I never thought you were a monster.”

Luke cracked a smile, then continued. “And look, I’ve heard the shit that Gabriel Theriault and his father, Alain, have talked about with CTE lately. I’m not saying I don’t still play a hard game but have you seen me throw elbows that way since the two of them started talking about brain trauma and shit?”

Sebastian’s brow furrowed for a moment. “I thought youhatedTheriault.”

“I don’t fuckin’ like him,” Luke admitted, opening his mouth and using his tongue to toy with the flipper he had that replaced the tooth Gabriel had knocked out in a fistfight they’d had off ice in Toronto a few years back. “For a lot of reasons. But that doesn’t mean I’m not listening to the shit he and Alain have said. Doesn’t mean I’m just out there hitting guys recklessly. Have I made mistakes? Sure. But I’ve learned some stuff over the years too.”

Sebastian seemed to consider that for a moment before he nodded.

Luke nodded. “As far as Calhoun and me, we might notlikeeach other, but I think there’srespectthere. I think he views the game the same way I do and accepts that shit like that hit couldhappen to any of us and it’s a risk we’re going to take. C’mon, you must get that. You were a hockey player.”

“Idoget that.” Sebastian settled his hands on Luke’s chest again.

“If I’d known what I do now about head injuries, I might have made a different choice back then. I don’t know. It’s real fucking hard to say what would have happened in the heat of the moment. I’d like to tell you I’d do better, but I don’t know.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I can tell you this, if I’d known what I do now about you and Calhoun, I wouldn’t have jerked off on the jersey last night. So, I’m sorry.”

“I get that.” Sebastian slid his hands up over Luke’s shoulders and looped his arms around his neck. “And thank you. I appreciate the apology. And I’m sorry too. I really let things get fucked up last night. I regret that.”

They both fell silent for a few moments, just looking at each other.