Page 46 of The Cowboy's Cabaret

“Fuck!” I yell, immediately regretting it, because the horses don’t take too kindly to loud noises and now I’m being a dick everyone.

I decide to take Lucy for a ride, hoping it will bring me some semblance of peace—I’m so keyed up right now. She knickers atme as I approach her stall, and I instantly feel the ease coming in. For whatever reason, horses are healing. Being around them has always been something to bring me back down, especially when I first moved here.

Lucy came to Big Al’s a little while after I did, and while I knew nothing about horses or farm life, I came home from school every day to sit with her. I sat in this stall—sometimes in silence, sometimes I complained, sometimes I cried. I started taking my sketch pad and drawing in there too.

One day Jasper peered over the stall at me. Even at sixteen, Jasper was stoic, silent, steady. He didn’t push me to talk then. So he sat there with me day in and day out. When the day came I decided to open the flood gates, letting my anger and grief pour out, he sat there and listened too. I let out years of hurt and at the end, he gave me a rare hug and told me to come to him anytime. I promised him I would and here we are fucking fighting over his home and the place I know means more to him than anything.

Lucy is taking a leisurely pace as we round the trail leading us back to the stables. I breathe deeply as the property comes back into view through the tree break. This place represents so much to me—most of it bad—but I respect Jas and I see it very differently. I decide we both need time to cool off and head to my cabin after settling Lucy back in her stall.

A loud bangingon my door around seven has me lumbering to see who’s coming around here, since it could only be one of a few people. I’m surprised to see Amber alone on my porch. I open the door and she pushes in past me.

“What happened with you and Jasper? He’s pissier than normal and I’m over it.” Crossing my living room, she curls up on the corner of the couch, much like she did when we were younger. It makes me smile to see her like this. I don’t often get these glimpses of who she was, it’s like Dale drained the life from her. She was always so nice to me, right from the first day.

“Wes! You’re living with us now? Are you going to want to play dolls with me? I don’t have any boy dolls, because you guys are gross. Sorry.” She laughs and nudges me with her shoulder. “Are you okay? You seem sad. I hope we can be friends. I’m happy you’re here.”

Amber would talk a mile a minute back then. She was hell-bent on being my best friend and I wanted to live on an island away from all human life. At eleven, I don’t think she really understood what happened and I feel bad I wasn’t nicer.

“Who says I pissed him off? Maybe he’s just being Jasper.” I shrug, knowing full well I’m the reason he’s angry.

“You know what”—she slaps her forehead—“I forgot his other cousin Wes! When he came stomping through Mom’s front door grumbling about ‘fuckin’ Wes, doin’ whatever he goddamn wants all the time.’ He must have meant him, silly me.” She pins me with a glare. “Fess up.”

Again, I’m glad to see this side of Amber back. Not thrilled to have her full force directed at me, though. “Amber. You know how he gets. There’s no reasoning with him right now. He’s mad because I’m trying something new to help the farm. He doesn’t give a fuck about helping. He’s too stuck in his ways.”

“He doesn’t give a fuck? He sure talks a lot for someone who doesn’t give a fuck. This place means everything to Jasper, arguably to a fault. Why do you think he’s so hurt by your attention being elsewhere?” She has a point, I know she does. Doesn’t mean I want to hear it.

“Then what do I do? I feel like he hates me these days, like nothing I do is right. He cares so much, but he seems miserable.”

“Tends to happen when you feel like the entire world is on your shoulders. After Dad’s injury, things changed. I love you, Wes, we all do, but sometimes it feels like you have one foot here and one foot out the door, ready to run. Can you blame Jasper for being wary of where your heart’s at?”

“I get it, but this could be good for us. If we could lighten the financial burden of the horses, maybe we could balance out the loss of the orchard income, for now. As much as I resent this place at times, I don’t want to see it gone. I don’t. I don’t know how to follow my heart without leaving it all behind. You understand. I know you do,” I point out. I don’t need to specify what, orwho, I mean, especially as I see her frown deepen.

“That’s not the fuckin’ same and you know it. Don’t put your shit on me. All I’m saying is you and Jasper could stand to get on the same page. For all our sake. I know making your home here wasn’t your choice all those years ago, but you have a choice now—a choice to move forward. I think you’d be a fool to stay in the past any longer.” I start to interrupt and she cuts me off. “Don’t. I see you. Even when you hide it. It’s okay to be angry, but he’s not around anymore. Holding onto this anger at your dad is like you drinking poison, hoping he’ll die. He’s long gone and maybe it’s time this pain went too.”

She moves to stand and I follow her to the door. “When the hell did you get so wise?”

“Motherhood will do that to ya. I’m always here for you, anytime. We all are. Family forever.”

She punches me in the arm and grabs me for a hug. I whisper into her hair, “I love you, Amber. Thank you for the reality check. Think I can convince you to talk to me and Jasper more? Open up a bit?”

“Not a chance in hell. Bye, buddy.”

THIRTY-FIVE

solid like a rock

Wesley

Jasper makeshimself scarce around the farm, and his absence sucks. Later in the week I seek out his old man, in hopes he can help me understand. Stone is a steady man, much like his namesake. Jasper’s like him in a lot of ways, quiet and dependable, loyal as hell. He’s been licking his wounds in private, but it doesn’t mean I needed to avoid him all week either.

My heart hurts and the closest person to understand how deep my hurt goes, why I act the way I act—is Stone. My dad was his brother after all and I know he didn’t walk away from their relationship unscathed.

I find Stone alone on the back porch, a glass of Lorraine’s lemonade sweating beside him. He’s smaller than I remember growing up, like the pressure of the world pushed down and shrunk his bones a bit. Moving here, Stone was larger than life, kind and patient—in complete opposition to everything I knew before.

Like he senses me behind him, he calls out, “Wesley, my boy. Come sit.”

I sit and feel the weight of it all hit me. I turn to him and he looks at me with knowing eyes. “I’m lost.”

“I don’t know there’s anything wrong with that, other than it doesn’t always feel too good. This isn’t new though. Why’s it rubbing you wrong now?”