Page 69 of Darling Girls

‘You pick her up, Norah,’ Jessica said.

‘Why? She’s not asleep. She’s laughing.’ But Norah squatted down beside the highchair, so her face was right up next to Amy’s. When Amy opened her eyes, Norah beat her to it. ‘Boo!’

Amy’s laugh reverberated through the house. It sounded like wind chimes. Like joy.

‘Right then,’ Miss Fairchild said, entering the room like a raincloud. ‘Bath time.’ With no regard for the fun they’d been having, she scooped Amy up and carried her away, despite the child’s protests. No wonder the kid was always so sad.

When she was gone, the three sisters remained in the kitchen for ages, trying to hold on to the moment. But without Amy, it almost felt as though it had never happened. As though it had been just a figment of their imagination.

32

JESSICA

BEFORE

‘Huwo.’

Jessica was in the lounge room reading her book when she heard the greeting.

It was Saturday afternoon. Miss Fairchild had put Amy down for a nap and then ducked down the street to do some errands. Norah and Alicia were doing homework in the kitchen.

‘Well . . . hello.’ Jessica lowered her book. Amy stood in the doorway, wearing a nappy and a guilty expression. The teddy she carried everywhere dangled from her hand by a paw. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be napping?’

Amy rubbed her eyes sleepily as she toddled over to Jessica. When she extended her arms, it felt so instinctual to pull the girl into her lap.

‘Aw,’ Jessica said, even as she glanced towards the window to check for Miss Fairchild. But the coast was clear. All she saw was a blue-sky, sunshiny day. ‘That’s a nice cuddle. Thank you very much.’

Amy rested her cheek against Jessica’s chest and stuck her thumb in her mouth. Even though Jessica was the one holding Amy, she had an overwhelming feeling of being warm and held. Safe.

As Amy snuggled closer, Jessica found herself afraid to breathe, in case the moment dissipated. It was as though the child was a part of her. It was as though shewasher.

The arrival of Amy prised open wounds for Jessica, picking open scabs of rejection she’d thought had long healed. The cocktail of emotions Jessica experienced when she saw Amy and Miss Fairchild together was overwhelming. Hot, spiky jealousy, followed by all-consuming guilt. Burning shame. Black resentment. Ice-cold melancholy.

She didn’t talk to Alicia and Norah about it because she knew they didn’t feel the same way. Perhaps that was what made the pain so personal? They had never been Amy, after all. They had never failed to live up to Miss Fairchild’s expectations, failed to be her everything. And so, they’d never understand.

The pain was hers and hers alone.

‘I sleep here,’ Amy said.

Jessica was putting on her pyjamas when Amy ran into the sisters’ room and climbed onto her bed. Immediately the girl crawled under the covers and pretended to snore. ‘Night, night.’

Jessica glanced towards the door anxiously. It wasn’t the first time Amy had requested to sleep with Jessica, and Miss Fairchild had made it clear she wasn’t happy about it. Unfortunately, Amy was persistent.

‘Amy!’ Miss Fairchild called. She was still speaking in a bizarre singsong voice, but it was laced with irritation. ‘Where did you go?’

Miss Fairchild stuck her head into the bedroom. She had already narrowed her eyes, knowing what she would find.

‘Amy –’ she started, but Amy got in first.

‘I. Sleep. Here.’ She wrapped her arms around Jessica and looked up at Miss Fairchild defiantly.

Miss Fairchild glared at Jessica.

‘No, Amy.’ Miss Fairchild smiled but her eyes were cool. ‘You sleep with Mummy.’

‘No!’ Amy cried. ‘I sleephere!’

Jessica had to admit, her determination was impressive. She wondered if things would have been different if she’d defied Miss Fairchild rather than bending to her every whim in an attempt to win her love.