Page 86 of Faithless Vows

She wipes at her cheeks when more tears fall. “That’s why I asked the decorator to leave this room alone. I figured not yet... but someday.”

“I had it all in my head,” she says. “What our life here would look like. Christmas mornings. Children running through the house. Us growing old in it.” Her mouth trembles around a small smile. “I loved this house, Ronin. I loved what I thought it was going to be.”

I want to go to her. I want to cross the room, pull her into my arms, and tell her it doesn’t have to be gone. That I want it too. But I stay where I am because I don’t know if I have the right anymore. When I finally speak, my voice comes out rough. “I’m so sorry, Alannah—”

“I kissed Finn,” she says, and I suck in a startled breath at her words. She continues before I can say anything. “He courted me. Made me feel wanted. And then he wanted me to marry him.”

Her words echo in the quiet room. They hurt, but I know she isn’t saying them to be cruel. She needs me to know the truth, and after all the ways I’ve hurt her, I deserve to hear it. I haven’t been with another woman since I fucked up on my stag night. Haven’t wanted to.The words rise, but I swallow them. This isn’t about me, and she doesn’t owe me an explanation.

“But he wasn’t you,” she says. “And no matter what I did, I couldn’t make myself stop missing you. I hated myself for it. After everything you did to me, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t make myself let you go.”

She wraps her arms around herself. “I kept wondering if I’d imagined that part of you. The part that cared about me. If the Ronin I loved had ever really been there at all.” He was. I was. I just lost myself so badly that I ruined everything before I understood what I was doing. The words are there, but before I can get them out, she goes on. “But your letters…” She swallows. “At first, I didn’t know what to do with them. I kept waiting for there to be something else underneath the words. Some excuse. Some demand. But there never was. You didn’t ask me for anything in them. You told me about our house. About my parents. About the women. About what you’d done.” She takes a small step closer. “That doesn’t make it all right. It never will. But it helped me believe the Ronin I loved was still there.”

She looks down, and a bitterness enters her voice that I’m not used to hearing from her. “When I first got to Ireland, my family was amazing with me. They welcomed me with open arms, and after what happened at our reception, I didn’t think twice about accepting everything they offered me. But somewhere along the way, I realized the safe place they’d given me came with conditions. As long as I went along with what they wanted, I was loved. Protected. But the moment I wanted a choice of my own, everything changed.”

A sad little laugh escapes her. “It started when I found out about the annulment papers. You have to believe me, Ronin. I didn’t know they existed until that day in the shed.” Her eyes meet mine, and I can see how much she needs me to believe her.

I nod. “I believe you.”

“Then your letter came,” she says. “The one where you mentioned my parents writing to me. That’s when I found out Grandmam had been throwing them all away. After that,everything started coming apart. I found out they’d all been expecting me to marry Finn once the annulment was done, and no one had told me that either. Finn let it slip by accident. And when I told them I wasn’t ready to marry him, when I asked for a little time, they grew cold. Distant. They stopped treating me like family because I wouldn’t let them bully me into agreeing.” Her voice drops. “But I couldn’t let them make that choice for me. Especially not when I wasn’t over you.”

“You hurt me worse than anyone ever has,” she says, taking another step, close enough now that I could reach out and touch her. “But when you told me you’d sign the papers if I asked you to, I knew you meant it. You would have let my grandda shoot you before you took that choice from me.” Her eyes hold mine. “And when I did ask, you signed. You didn’t fight me. You didn’t try to talk me out of it. You kept your word.”

A small smile touches her mouth as she closes the last bit of space between us. “Even if it took you a while.”

I look down at her, so close now I can hardly think, and still I don’t know what to say. “Alannah—”

She rises onto her toes and kisses me, and everything else disappears. I lose myself in the feel of her until I catch myself and gently rest my hands on her shoulders, easing her back just enough to look at her. “Wait,” I say, my voice rough. “Alannah, I love you, but—”

Her face falls. “But what?” she whispers. “You don’t want me anymore?”

“No,” I say at once. “God, no. That’s not why. I could never stop wanting you. You are the love of my life. That’s exactly why I’m stopping this.”

“But what if I’m asking you not to?” Her eyes search mine.

I look at her, not sure I’ve heard her right, and she must see it on my face because she reaches for my hand and laces her fingers through mine. “Ronin, I can’tpromise I won’t be angry sometimes,” she says. “Or sad. Or that there won’t be days when what happened comes back and hurts all over again.” Her eyes hold mine. “But I can promise I want to try. I want us. If you still do.”

My hand comes up to cup her cheek, my thumb brushing over her soft skin. “Alannah,” I say, quieter now. “You’ve got me. You always have.”

The words are barely out before I’m kissing her again. “Alannah…” I breathe against her mouth, one hand sliding into her hair as I pull her closer. She’s real. She’s here. And she’s kissing me back. When my tongue strokes along the seam of her lips, she opens for me. The kiss deepens, hungry and desperate, and I can’t get enough of her. My hands move over her shoulders, down her arms, then to her waist, pulling her in until there’s no space left between us. I can feel her trembling, or maybe it’s me. I kiss her harder, my grip tightening at her hips as I lift her up against me. Her legs wrap around me and I feel the heat of her through my trousers, against my hardening cock. I don’t break the kiss. I carry her down the hall to the master bedroom. To our bedroom. I’ve carried her there a hundred times in my head.

I never thought I’d actually get here.

Stopping beside the bed, I lower her slowly until her feet touch the floor. I brush my nose against hers, keeping my voice low. “You sure about this, Alannah? We can stop. Anytime.”

She leans in and kisses me. “I’m sure,” she whispers.

I reach for the buttons on the front of her dress and start undoing them one by one. Alannah pulls her arms free and lets the material slip down to her waist. She reaches back to undo her bra, but I catch her wrists and gently stop her. “Let me,” I murmur. She drops her hands, and I reach around her, unclasping it myself. The straps slide down her arms, and her breasts spill free—soft, full, pale,peaked with tight pink nipples. I trail my fingers slowly along her collarbone, watching the way she shivers under my touch.

I sink to my knees in front of her and hook my fingers into her panties. I look up as I slide them down, needing to see her face when I do it. Her eyes stay on mine, wide and dark, and when I press my mouth to the soft skin below her navel,she shudders. I work the fabric down her legs and help her step free before I sit back on my heels, wanting to see all of her. The pale curls between her thighs are already wet, glistening.Fuck me. Back on my feet, I strip out of my clothes fast, letting them fall where they land, then reach for her again. She comes into my arms like she belongs there.

I lay her back on the bed and take her in. Her blue eyes are heavy, hazy with the same need burning through me. Her lips are swollen from our kisses, her cheeks flushed, darkening the freckles scattered across them. A strand of hair sticks to her cheek. I tuck it behind her ear, then lean in and brush my lips just below it, dragging them slowly down the line of her jaw until I catch the soft skin where it meets her throat between my teeth. She exhales, turning her head to give me more.

I kiss lower, sucking gently at the column of her throat until faint red marks bloom against her pale skin. I move to her breast, closing my lips around one nipple, sucking hard enough to draw a gasp. My tongue works the tight peak while my palm curves around her other breast, thumb circling. She shivers, gripping my shoulder. I switch sides, licking and sucking until she’s arching up into me, her nails pressing crescents into my back.

Moving lower, I kneel between her thighs and hook them over my shoulders, opening her to me. When I look up, I find her already watching me. I press a kiss to the inside of her thigh. “It’s okay, doll. I’ve got you,” I murmur, then kiss higher.

“Ronin...” she whispers, nervous.