Page 11 of Grimoire Omens

I mean I was wearing plaid bottoms, a ragged T-shirt from a Motley Crue concert, and fuzzy pink bunny slippers. Of all the outfits to die in. “I don’t suppose we can talk about this?” I retreated as I asked.

The monster advanced, taking its time, savoring my fear. Or so I imagined. Why else stalk me slowly while flicking its tongue?

“What should I do?” Flo lamented, standing behind the beast, frying pan dangling by her side.

“Run.” Because I didn’t want my best friend dying too.

“Don’t die while I find some help,” Flo ordered before she bolted through the busted kitchen door, screaming, “Help! My bestie is under attack.”

As for me? My ass could retreat no farther. Damn its rounded full cheeks that hit the wall. The monster knew it had me trapped. It took its time, flicking its nasty tongue and ululating in a way that might just be worse than nails on chalkboard as it approached.

What a way to die and to think I’d summoned this foul beast. I attempted one last time to reason with it.

“Listen, Mr. Demon. I know I smell good to you, but here’s the thing, I taste bad. Like really, really bad. Terrible diet and then there was the booze I drank last night. Really stinky shit. And you know, Earth isn’t that great a place to be. I’m sure if you don’t gut me like a fish, I could see about reopening the door to your Infernal place and send you back.”

The demon cocked its head as I spoke. It listened. Would it agree?

Nope. The arm pulled back, and before I could think of some final epic words, a blade suddenly sliced across the demon’s neck. It stood there for a second, frozen in shock most likely, before its hideous head toppled from the shoulders and hit the floor.

At my feet, spattering my poor bunnies with black blood.

Gross, but since I remained alive, I could buy new slippers.

The body slumped to the floor, revealing the decapitator, a tall, dark, and handsome man with a stony expression and laser-blue eyes.

What do you know. Despite Cedric’s many naysaying remarks, my spell did work. I smiled as I greeted my hero with a purred, “Good timing, lover.”

3

My rugged and stupidly handsome hero—dressed in tight leather pants, a silky-looking black shirt open at the neck, and a calf-length duster—glanced around my kitchen before asking in a low growl. “Are there any others?”

“Demons? No. We killed the imp that visited first,” I boasted, taking partial credit. After all, I’d distracted the mutant bat while Flo bashed its head in. “What’s your name, handsome?”

“Not important,” he grumbled. “Where is the witch who opened the portal?”

Should I or shouldn’t I raise my hand?

Cedric ratted me out. “You’re looking right at her.”

“This female cast the spell?” He eyed me up and down, and not in a strip-the-clothes-from-my-body kind of way. He judged me and, by the way his lips twisted, found me lacking. Probably because of the outfit, or the reek emanating from me. I really wished I’d showered, but how was I to know I’d meet my future husband?

“If you’re talking about the opening of the portal to Hell?—”

“For fuck’s sake, how many times do I have to tell you it’s the Infernal Dimension?” Cedric interrupted.

“Whatever. Yes, that was me. I did it.” Might as well own my magical feat.

“Why?” The stranger barked the word, and I stammered to reply.

“Well, you see, after a few glasses of wine and a really potent doobie?—”

“A what?”

“Joint?” At his blank look, I added, “A few tokes of Mary Jane? Marijuana?” I finally huffed. “After I got high off some drugs and drunk on wine, me and my bestie thought it might be fun to summon me a boyfriend.”

“You opened a portal to the Infernal Dimension on a whim?” He looked and sounded incredulous.

“Hey, how was I supposed to know Grams’ Grimoire wasn’t a crock of shit? The woman never told me she was an actual witch. I just thought she was a super bitch. And it’s not like the book came with a warning.” I couldn’t help but sound defensive, and before he could reply, Flo returned, huffing, “Fucking asshole neighbors. Not one even opened their door. Luckily, I found a good Samaritan coming up the sidewalk with a sword.”