Page 114 of Ride or Die

Clara shakes her head. “Cole, that wasn’t a dizzy spell. It wasn’t… low blood sugar.” She scoffs. “I watched it happen. You… youchanged. You weren’t you. And then you just collapsed—” She stops herself, shaking her head again.

I grit my teeth, fear clutching itself around my chest and squeezing the fuck out of it.

“Cole,” Clara continues, reaching up and raking her fingers through the hair that’s flopped down into my eyes. “Please don’t lie to me.”

She frowns, and the sadness in her eyes breaks my fucking heart because I put it there. And I’m not blowing smoke when I say I never want to hurt her; the thought of hurting her tears me up inside. And, knowing that this woman right here is the one person I know will support me and love me, no matter what, I heave a resigned sigh and meet her eyes, swallowing every last bit of trepidation.

“I did lie,” I admit, looking down and nodding just once.

Clara’s soft hand cups my jaw, and slowly, she tips my chin up, forcing my eyes back to hers and steadying me with a caring yet no-bullshit look. “Okay. Thank you.” Her gaze flits between mine a moment before she continues, “Now tell me the truth.”

“Concussion,” is all I say, pressing my lips together in a firm line.

Clara’s eyes go wide and her face falls, and the way she looks at me, I swear a slap wouldn’t hurt as much.

“You—you drove home,” she says the words so quietly, like she doesn’t mean for me to hear.

“My kids were in the back seat!” She looks at me like she doesn’t like what she sees, and if I’m being honest, that hurts more than any fucking slap to my face.

“You were drinking.” Her gaze flits down to the open can of Pabst sitting next to me and suddenly she grabs it and with all her might she pitches it across the yard, the anger in her eyes glaring when her gaze returns to me. “You have a concussion and you—” She presses her lips together, not finishing whatever it was she was about to tell me.

When Clara moves to stand, I hold her where she is. I don’t want her to walk away from me. Not now. Not ever.

“Cole, I’m—” She covers her mouth with her hand looking away and the sound of her sob rips me apart. “I’m so angry at you right now.”

I close my eyes on an exhale, angry at myself because this is exactly what I never wanted to happen. “There’s more.”

Clara turns back to me, her glassy eyes meeting mine. “More?”

“Today’s not the first time I… collapsed after a ride.” I stare into her eyes, my hold around her tightening a touch because I can’t bear the thought of losing her. “It happened a little while ago. Bailey was there.”

“I knew it.” She sighs. “I saw the way she was looking at you today. She… She didn’t believe you either.”

“She made me go see a… a doctor,” I continue. “That’s where I’d been on the day that I met you at the Stop and Shop. Lubbock.”

“What did thedoctorsay?” Clara asks, her question firm, demanding.

My eyes bounce between hers, and I know I can’t lie to this woman. But man, the truth fuckin’ hurts, the threat of tears stinging like a motherfucker. “He said my brain can’t handle too many more concussions and that I should seriously consider quittin’.”

Clara rears back, looking at me like I’m a stranger, like I haven’t looked her in her eyes and told her I love her whileburied deep inside of her. And I’m forced to avert my gaze, looking down at the ground because the look of betrayal that flashes in her eyes makes me feel physically sick to my gut.

“Does… Bailey know?”

I shake my head. “I lied to her, too.”

Clara sucks in a shuddering breath. “Look at me.”

Reluctantly I lift my chin, meeting her eyes that are so full of fear, I can’t help but feel like a son of a bitch for putting it there.

“You need to quit,” she says, like I knew she would. Don’t mean her words shock me any less.

I shake my head, taking a few deep breaths and looking out over the darkness of nothing. “I can’t quit, Clara,” I snap a little harsher than intended, Clara flinching at my tone and fuck I hate myself in this moment.

Softening, I continue. “It’s all I know. All I’m good at.” I meet her eyes again. “All I’ve got.”

The second the words are out of my mouth, I regret them, the hurt I’ve just caused written all over her face.

“I didn’t—” I huff an exasperated breath. “I didn’t mean it like that, baby. I just… ridin’ is all?—”