Page 1 of 10 Things I Skate About You

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ADAM

The Net Zeroesare assholes.

All three of them. Rhys, Lance, and Kate Pogue. Assholes. Funny assholes, sure. But they’re assholes.

That’s not an opinion, it’s a fact. It’s their brand. They’re the small-town assholes who talk about hockey. The only reason anyone outside of Kenton pays any attention to their podcast is because of me. Because Kate Pogue trolls me and people think it’s funny. Some people thought it wassofunny that they edited together clips of her calling me stupid nicknames, and guess what those videos did? They went viral. For their insightful commentary on local and regional hockey? No. Because of dumb shit like this latest episode that I’m hate-watching on my phone.

Yes, this is the second time I’m watching it—because it fuels my rage and pumps me up for my morning practice.

“As of this recording,” Kate says as she updates a whiteboard with her deceptively pretty penmanship, “Adam ‘The Penalty Box Philosopher’ Foley has accumulated fifty-two penalty minutes this season—which, for those of you keeping track at home, is approximately fifty-two minutes more than anyone elseon the Icebreakers. This guy spends so much time in the sin bin he gets his mail forwarded there.”

Her brothers are sitting behind their microphones, shaking their heads at her.

“Forbeer-leaguegames,” she says, as if she’s making a point.

As if beer-league games aren’t as important as NHL games. Every hockey game is important. Gretzky said he prepared for every game like it was a Stanley Cup final, whether it was an exhibition game or the playoffs. If the Great One was playing for the Icebreakers he’d take it just as seriously as I do. ThereforeIam as dedicated as Wayne Gretzky. That’s not my opinion—that’s just hockey logic.

“The Cowpoke Grumpstick’scareerbeer-league sin-bin counter stands at 247 minutes as of last Wednesday,” she reports as she adds that to the white board. “Which means that over the past two years, Adam Foley has spent the equivalent of over four hours of his life sitting in a box, alone, thinking about what he did. While his teammates had fun playing recreational hockey. Clearly he is not thinking hard enough.”

“Ohhkayyy,” her older brother, Rhys, says, widening his eyes at the camera. “In other hockey news?—”

“Inotherlocal hockey news,” Kate interrupts, “democracy is alive and well in Kenton, BC, because the Icebreakers logo remains unchanged. However, their team captain, Kenton’s favorite grumpy former-NHL-player Adam ‘Cowpoke Grumpstick’ Foley?—”

“Not a cowpoke and I’m not grumpy,” I grumble to no one.

“Also known as The Lonestar Grump—for listeners and viewers who don’t know—as Adam Foley played for our beloved and illustrious Comets junior hockey team for four years, having moved here from his family’s ranch in Fort Worth, Texas. He got drafted by Chicago—very impressive—and played in the minors in Illinois for a while before getting called up to the Sentries.His illustrious NHL career as a center for the Chicago Sentries was sadly cut short by a knee injury—which I am not making fun of. Career-ending injuries are no joke. And by the way, if you are anyone other than Adam Foley, if you are an ice skater—recreational or competitive, of any age—and you need a movement coach, I have a few slots available via Zoom, over the next month.”

“I feel like you’re a tad maniacal today, sis,” Rhys points out.

Continuing her rant, she says, “But what I will never stop laughing about on this show is that this man continues to be unhinged when it comes to his inability to accept that small-town beer-league hockey is in fact played for fun.”

“This is true,” her brother Lance agrees. I’ll remember that the next time we play against his shitty team.

“But Adam Foley somehow managed to get the proposed Icebreakers logo change on the agenda at the most recent Kenton city council meeting. Sources who were in attendance at thatpublic meeting at city hall say that his speech was impassioned and hilarious.”

“And did the source by any chance heckle him from the audience while he was giving this impassioned speech?” Lance asks her.

“She sure did, Lance. She sure did. It really got under his skin too.”

“Did not,” I argue with my phone.

“But she was only saying out loud what everyone else in the room was thinking,” Kate goes on, and on, and on. “A) That this man takes beer-league hockey way too seriously and b) the current Icebreakers logo is unbelievably cute and 3) why should anyone spend money on new jerseys just because Sulky Puckboy can’t accept that his NHL days are over and he’s the captain of a team that is trying to have some recreational community fun.”

That is such horseshit. She’s just proving my point! If we had a serious logo, people would take us seriously!

“I mean that’s harsh, sis, as usual,” Rhys says, “but I’d like to gently draw attention to the fact that thissourcewho took the time to willingly attend a city hall meeting should perhaps have a little more fun in her own life as well, especially now that she’s single again, and thatsheis perhaps takingAdam Foleya little too seriously.”

Dead. Rhys is the cool one. I do like that guy.

“Okay, well, that’s obviously going to be edited out,” she mumbles.

“Oh for sure. You’re gonna edit that out, right, Lance?”

“One thousand percent. Unless I decide not to. Let’s talk about the last brew-crew game, but without any commentary from Kate about Adam.”

She huffs. I love it. That’s why I’m watching this again, for the way they chirp at her and for that look.