Page 90 of Sleeper: The Palisades Edition

I did not see this coming.

I can’t even think about how much I’ll hate not having her around, even for a few days, because the twins are going to take this so hard.

I vaguely remember when my only problem was that I had insomnia, no nanny, two kids who took up all my time and energy, and no love life to look forward to.

Now all of a sudden, I’ve got an upcoming press junket and movie premiere, two nannies, two kids, three broken hearts to look forward to, and the terrible knowledge that the only woman I can see myself spending the rest of my life with needs to be able to see herself living her life without me.

I get it.

I fucking hate it.

But I get her. Even when she surprises me and knocks the wind out of me, I understand Willa Todd. Even if I give her everything that I can give her, she needs to know that she can concoct something that will make her feel like she’s in control of her world and her heart.

So all I can do is try to figure out how to explain all of that to two five-year-olds.

TWENTY-FIVE

WILLA

It felt like everything was happening in slow-motion—like I was wading through water ever since I brought the kids home from the garden. Now things are happening so fast. Everything is spinning, and I’m circling the drain.

I e-mailed my mentor and the people in New York right after Shane told me about the new nanny starting.

I have an interview set for Wednesday.

I’ve booked a flight to JFK.

I’ve texted my brother to let him know I’ll be bringing my things back to his place tonight. I told him that I’ll explain why when I see him.

I’ve called my grammie to let her know I’m going to visit her in Michigan right after my interview and gave her two minutes to explain to me why I had made the right decision.

I’ve started packing everything up.

I’ve posted a note on my Etsy shop that I won’t be shipping anything for the next week.

I’ve eaten dinner with Shane and the kids, and heand the kids have Skyped with Margo in the family room.

I’ve dotted my pulse points with lavender and neroli oil.

I keep reminding myself to breathe.

I keep reminding myself that I can’t blame anyone for anything, especially not Shane.

I keep reminding myself that I spent seven years in post-secondary school to be a perfumer and I can’t ignore a job opportunity just so I can play house with Shane and his kids. Shane wouldn’t do that. It might not be my dream job, but it’s a great job and it’s my reality.

Now I just have to be a grown-up and say good night and good-bye to the kids without falling to pieces or breaking their sweet little hearts.

When it was time for me to leave Versailles, I was sad to say good-bye to Noelle and Leo and their mother too, but nobody got emotional. They weren’t a particularly expressive family, but I never really felt like a part of their family either. When I said good-bye to the grandmother and told her that I was going to Los Angeles, she studied my palm and said, “Yes. You will be reunited with much family there.” At that point, I figured she meant my brother. A month ago, it occurred to me that she may have meant Shane’s family. Now I’m wondering if maybe palmistry is just a load of crap.

Shane is letting the twins sleep in his bed tonight. They’re all washed-up, and for the first time since I met her, Summer brushed her teeth without any fuss. They’ve both been acting like they’ve been told that Santa won’t be coming this year and it’s all their fault. Neither of them has cried yet, but they’ve also barely made a sound. Maybe they can’t wait for me to go.Shane went downstairs to give me a chance to talk to them, and I’ve just been sitting on the bed watching the twins lie there quietly while staring at their stuffed animals for a couple of minutes.

“Is there anything that either of you would like to ask me?”

Lucky takes a deep breath and sighs. “How are you going to go to New York?”

“I’m going to fly there. On an airplane. Have you been to New York?”

He nods. “Our grandma and grandpa live there. Are you going to see them?”