Page 59 of Sleeper: The Palisades Edition

ME: I forgot to make peppermint tea.

ME: Did Summer used to suck her thumb? Is she regressing?

He waitsone whole second before subtly checking his phone. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him typing something. I wait an entire minute before checking my phone after it vibrates.

SHANE: Yes. It still happens sometimes. She’ll be fine. Probably.

SHANE: Your tits look amazing in that T-shirt.

SHANE: And mad. They look like they’re mad at me. I get it. I deserve it. I just don’t want you to think that I was mad at you. I was mad at myself.

I reply immediately.

ME: Yeah. You’re a good guy. I get it. It won’t happen again.

SHANE: I didn’t mean I was mad at myself for what we did.

ME: I know what you meant, Shane. I know you have responsibilities. I’m glad you take them seriously. But if you can’t be with me like that wholeheartedly, without guilt or whatever it is you struggle with, then I don’t want to be with you like that.

ME: I have to focus on my own shit anyway. So if you don’t need me all day tomorrow, I’d like to take a few hours off to go to a perfume supply store.

He exhales sharply.Like I just knocked the wind out of him. Finally, he looks over at me. I meet his gaze. His jaw is clenched. His eyes are sad. He nods and looks at the screen.

Happy now, Grammie?

I leave the room when they Skype with Margo, but I do overhear some of the conversation, and at least she doesn’t give Shane a hard time for overfeeding the twins.

We watch TV for the rest of the day, until the kids’ bedtime, eating in front of the TV. Twice. Which is less awkward than having to face each other at the kitchen table.

I have to sing the chorus of “Let It Go”fromFrozenthree times to get Summer to brush her teeth.

The twins want to sleep in bed with their dad tonight, and he lets them. So I don’t have to read to them. I kiss them good night. I say good night to Shane as I pass him in the hall.

“Willa,” he says.

I turn back to look at him. “What?”

He looks like he’s about to say something important. Something that I need to hear. Something that will change everything. And then his eyes flick to the floor.

“Good night.”

He disappears into his bedroom.

I disappear into mine.

I disappear into familiar scents and the drive to create something new and beautiful. Something transformative that will last. Something that I need to smell. Something that will change everything.

SHANE MILLER SLEEP DIARY

SUNDAY MORNING

Went to bed at:7:30 pm

How long it took you to fall asleep:Few hours.

How many times you woke up in the middle of the night:Five or six?

How refreshing your overall sleep was:Not.