Page 93 of Troublemaker: The Big Picture Edition

“I wouldn’t be able to.”

She’s crying. Really crying.

“Baby. What’s wrong?”

It takes her a moment to catch her breath. I’m used to her needing to catch her breath for very different reasons. I hate hearing her like this.

“I can’t come for dinner. I’m sorry. I can’t be with you—the way we’ve been with each other. Not until the end of the school year.”

“What happened?”

She tells me about being called to the principal’s office. About Miss Farrell overhearing Ryder and Cheyenne talking about us. Fucking Miss Farrell. Like she didn’t try everything to get me to ask her out when she was Ryder’s teacher. I mean, she literally asked me out once, and when I said no, she was like, “Right. Next year, then.” No. Not next year.

“Fuck Miss Farrell,” I blurt out.

“It’s not just her. It’s Mrs. Woodard. The principal. She strongly encouraged me to nip this in the bud. Her words. Before more kids and teachers and parents find out. Because they will find out.”

“So what if they do? You can’t get fired for this. Can you?”

“Not literally, no.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Alex. I explained this to you before we started…you know. Imagine you were hired to direct something, when you were a young director, and something happened that affected the way people in your business thought about you. That maybe they already thought you were too young and naïve or irresponsible to handle the job. Even if you didn’t lose your job, you wouldn’tbe able to do it as well. Or it would affect your credibility. It matters.”

Fuck. She’s right. I was a young director who had to fight for credibility in New York. I get it. I don’t like it. But I get it.

“I do love you. And Iwantto be with you. And I’m so sorry, but if I don’t do this for myself, I’ll always wonder if I should have. And I don’t want to resent you if I choose you over me.”

“I don’t want you to choose me over you. I want you to chooseus. Let me talk to the principal.”

She takes a deep, shaky breath. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Alex. I need her and my co-workers and my students and their parents to know that being the best, most responsible teacher I can be is my priority.”

“I still don’t see how dating me makes you an irresponsible teacher. It hasn’t.”

“No. It hasn’t. But I’m a young, single teacher. There’s the adults and their perceptions of me, and there’s my kids. Adults can be judge-y assholes. I should know. Kids get jealous. What if other kids in the class—besides Cheyenne—find out and they start to treat Ryder badly?”

“I’ll kick their asses. Problem solved.”

I can hear air blowing out her nostrils, so at least she laughed a little.

“I don’t want to stop seeing you, Emilia.”

“I don’twantto stop seeing you, Alex. But I have to. For now. I can’t ask you to wait until June. I know it’s not fair. But please. I don’t want to lose you.”

I hate that she thinks she could lose me.

I hate that it feels like I’m losing her.

I hate everything right now.

“Alex? Are you there?”

I exhale slowly. “I think you’ll find that I’m always here for you, Miss Stiles.”

And she’s crying again.

“So we aren’t going to see each other at all until then?” I ask.