Page 44 of Troublemaker: The Big Picture Edition

Even here, in the happiest fucking place on earth, with some of my favorite people in the world, thousands of strangers, and one old lady who will forever scare the ever-loving shit out of me every time she looks at me.

I am fully aware that Nico’s grandmother is a nice, good person, but that doesn’t stop theJawstheme from playing in my head whenever she’s around.

We’ve been at Disneyland for about two hours now. Nico, Shane, and I have our kids with us. Grammie's in town to help out with the twins because Willa is in her final trimester, and since Nico's wife is newly pregnant and finishing up adocumentary film, she's also helping with his stepson, Tate. Shanico sent their wives to a spa for the day, and Grammie Todd is here so that there’s one kid per adult. And I’m pretty sure she’s also here to practice her side-eye on me. She’s really good at it. Still, I’m glad she’s here. All the Halloween decorations and activities have the kids even more amped up than usual.

Shane’s got a lifetime VIP Gold pass for the parks, but he doesn’t like to do the VIP guided tour, so we’re all standing in the very long line for Pirates of the Caribbean like everyone else. We aren’t even through the entrance to the courtyard queue yet. I pull out my phone—to check the time but also to check to see if Emilia happened to text me. Ididtell her that I don’t want to see her unless I can kiss her, but I do still like it when her name pops up on my screen. It’s been a few days since I’ve heard from her.

And it looks like it may be another few days. I could always go by the school to see Ryder in the Halloween parade, but I’ve got a meeting and it’s not like we’d really get to talk then anyway. It’s not like it wouldn’t hurt just a little to see her and not touch her.

While I’m staring at my phone, I see a notification on the iMessages app and immediately open it. But it’s from Nova. Again. She’s in China now, so it’s been difficult scheduling a good time for us to call each other. I’ve gotten three messages and two missed FaceTime calls from her since we got here. She must be up really early there, which is never a good sign. I send off a quick text to let her know we’re going on a ride and can’t talk now. And then check for a message from Emilia yet again.

“Did she text? Did she call?” Nico makes a pouty face at me.

Asshole.

I told them about Emilia.

Nico thinks I should push the envelope.

Shane thinks I should wait until Ryder’s out of her class.

I don’t even talk about her with anyone else because I already know that any other guy would tell me to screw around withother women so I’m not hung up on her anymore—and they aren’t wrong.

But neither is Nico.

Or Shane.

So I’m more fucked than usual, even though I’m only fucking my hand.

Yo ho, yo ho, a single dad’s life for me.

Shane asks Summer how many packets of gummi bears she has hidden on her person and then pats my back, grinning. “I’m sure she’ll text. I’m sure she’ll call,” he says, like every female best friend of every woman on the planet. “She probably just lost her phone.”

“Yeah, man.” Nico strokes my head. “I’m sure she’s just really super busy in someplace that doesn’t have cell phone reception, but she’s thinking about you all the time.”

Suck my balls, I mouth to them.

“My contract with Disney forbids me from doing that in public, unfortunately,” Shane quips. “Otherwise, you know I would.”

“What do you think, Shane?” Nico raises one of his annoyingly perfect eyebrows. “Lazy wingmen?”

Shane nods at him and scans the crowd. He has his sights set on a group of very young women who look like they’re on a gymnastics team. “Hey, ladies,” he mumbles while pulling out a water bottle from his fifty-pound backpack. “My boy Alex over here is single.” He hands the water to Lucky before his son even has to ask for it.

Nico raises his chin at a frazzled middle-aged woman who is trying to wrangle three kids, about ten feet from us. “Hey,” he mutters. “This guy’s pretty nice. You want his number?” And then he pulls a baggie full of Cocoa Puffs out from the inside of his jacket and gives it to Tate.

Not to be outdone, I offer my son his Trader Joe’s trail mix.

Summer is all good with her pocket snacks.

And Grammie Todd is calmly snacking on prunes while looking at no one, and yet I have a feeling she’s aware of everything that everyone is saying and doing. Very Yoda-like. She twitches and glances over at me all of a sudden, narrowing her eyes, and I’m certain that she just heard my thoughts.

I stare at my kid, pretending not to notice.

Ryder has been so happy to be with Tate, who’s the same age as him, and with Shane’s son Lucky, who’s a year older. Lucky’s twin, Summer, has been moping because she’s the only girl. She’s also been flirting with me, Nico, and every male costumed Disney character we’ve passed by since Main Street. Right now, she’s heckling the boys’ fart jokes. Ryder is in the middle of telling one now: “What do you call it when someone farts in an elevator? … Nothing, because you’re holding your breath!”

“Nice one, buddy.” I hold up my hand for a high-five.

Instead, he wraps his hand around my index finger and pulls on it.