Page 99 of Defend Her Heart

“Koskinen lines up to take the face off. He wins it! Connor Smith with the puck now rounding the net. Oh no. Bryan Murphy is heading right at him. Smith dishes the puck to Jefferson and then throws a shoulder just as Murphy tries to hit him. Murphy falls hard. He’s down on the ice but the play continues. Fifteen seconds left now. Jefferson skates it into the St. Louis zone. Their defenseman, McKann drops back, he’s the only thing blocking the net now. Jefferson shoots, he scores! The Bobcats take a 5–3 lead with ten seconds to go. That should do it.”

My eyes move back to the Bobcats zone where Bryan is slow to get up. I never want to see anyone injured, so knowing he’s okay to skate makes me feel better about the smile spreading across my face.

Connor has always been a brute on the ice, but seeing it up close and personal, and having him defend my honor…call me old fashioned, but that was hot as hell. I know we said we’d take it slow, but after that display on the ice I don’t think I want to wait any longer.

Usually, we meet down where the families gather, but I want to get home and surprise him. Home. It’s Connor’s apartment, but over the past week it’s felt more like home than any other house I’ve lived in.

I shoot Sadie a text because I want to surprise Connor.

Hey! I’m heading home. I want to surprise Connor. Will you tell him I’m okay and I’ll see him at home? If I text him, he’ll just think something is wrong.

Sadie

Please tell me you’re surprising him with the lingerie we bought the other day. Because after what he did to Bryan’s face, I’m half tempted to kiss the man.

I snort at her response and climb into my car. Before I leave, I send her one last text.

I think it’s time to put that lace to good use.

Sadie

HELL YEAH! I’ll let him know all is good and to get his ass home. Get it girl!

Rushing into my closet, I pull out the shopping bag that contains the lace lingerie I bought the other day. I wasn’t sure when or if I’d ever feel ready to cross this line with Connor, but after what happened tonight, there’s no doubt in my mind that I want to take the next step with him.

I undress quickly, knowing Connor will rush home once he realizes I’m already gone. Slowly, I slide the lace panties up my leg, relishing the feel against my skin, feeling sexier already. Knowing how much Connor has always loved my breasts, I decide to leave the bra in the bag. I grab the silk robe I bought that’s hanging in the closet and loop it over my arm, feeling more than ready to show Connor exactly how I’m feeling with my body.

Moving out of my room, I make my way into Connor’s and put the robe on the chair next to the full-length mirror. My heart pounds with anticipation, and I swear it feels like the very first time again. I’m about to make love to the man I lost my virginity to but that feels like a lifetime ago. I guess in some ways it is.

Turning, I stand to face myself in front of the mirror and every bit of confidence I felt a second ago is wiped with onesingle look. I barely recognize the woman staring back at me. God, I fucking hate what I see. Every inch of muscle that used to cover my body is gone. The strong, toned woman I once was is a thing of the past.

I can’t stand to look at myself for another second. I reach over and grab my robe, wrapping it around myself, in an attempt to hide my frail body.

There was a time I wanted to flaunt my body whenever I could. My arms and legs used to be sculpted with muscle and I’d show them off any chance I got. My hand finds my stomach that used to be chiseled with abs, but now I can nearly wrap my hands around my waist with how much weight and muscle I’ve lost because of this fucking illness. My gaze moves down to my legs to see skinny thighs and non-existent calf muscles. I inhale a sharp breath.

I hate my fucking body.

I hate the way it looks. I hate the way it feels. I hate that I never know what it’s going to do next. I fucking hate everything about it.

My eyes close because I can’t stand to look at myself any longer. Turning, I climb into Connor’s bed and throw the covers over me. Curling into a ball, I close my eyes and try to erase the images of myself from my brain.

There are so many things this chronic illness has taken from me, but my self-esteem is probably the worst of it all. I used to walk into a room and not care what people thought. Now I wonder if they can see my illness just by the way I carry myself or look. The confidence I used to wear has all but faded away. Getting this job with the Bobcats has brought some of it back, and I’m slowly starting to feel like myself again, but then shit like this happens. I can’t seem to accept this new normal.

I don’t hear Connor right away. It’s not until he moves to the opposite side of the bed that I realize he’s home. I hear his clothes fall to the ground and then slowly, he slidesinto his bed behind me and wraps his arm around my middle.

“How’s my girl?” He kisses the back of my head.

Afraid that if I open my mouth, he’ll hear the hurt in my voice, but also not wanting to lie, I simply shrug.

Gently, he uses the arm that’s wrapped around me to pull me over so I’m lying on my back. He didn’t do anything wrong so I turn my face to him and attempt to smile.

His hand finds my face. “What’s going on, Aves?” His thumb strokes my cheek as he waits for an answer.

Sucking in a breath, I tell him what’s going through my head.

“I came home early to surprise you.” His eyebrows raise. “I bought some new lingerie I wanted to wear for you, but when I looked in the mirror…” My voice cracks so I take a moment to try and compose myself. “I fucking hate what I saw.”

Connor’s eyes search mine as I wait for him to respond. Finally, he asks, “Do you trust me?”