Page 50 of Defend Her Heart

How long has it been since I felt this…normal?

Connor has always had this effect on me. Even after we broke up, anytime we’d see each other, it’s like no time had passed. We’d slip into our old ways and pretend that the real world didn’t exist past the weekend we were spending together with friends. That is until he stopped showing up a couple years ago.

I know we came here to talk about marriage and insurance, but I can’t bite my tongue any longer.

“Why did you fall off the face of the earth two years ago, Connor?”

My question shocks him to the point where he flings himself back into the booth. His eyes are wide and his jaw drops. Yeah, imagine how I felt when you fell off the face of the earth.

“That’s not what we’re here to talk about.”

I clasp my hands together, resting them on the table in front of me. “Too bad. I never thought I’d forgive you for breaking up with me the way you did, but I somehow found a way to do that. But you disappearing completely? Cutting everyone out of your life? I still haven’t forgiven you for that.And I don’t think I can go through with this without knowing the truth.”

I’m well aware that he’s the one helping me here and he’s free to walk away at any time. He’s been so adamant about helping me and I think part of the reason I’ve been so hesitant is because of his disappearing act. I didn’t plan on coming here with an ultimatum but it’s too late to go back now.

Connor still doesn’t say anything, but he also doesn’t look away. I do my best to soften my features before asking my next question.

“You want to help me, right?”

“More than anything.” There’s no hesitation when he answers. Not that I expected there to be any.

“Then help me understand. Please?”

I can’t hide the desperation in my voice. This man used to be the boy I loved. It took me a couple years to get over my shattered heart, but I found a way. I figured having him in my life as a friend was better than not having him at all. But then he walked away again. That time, for good. Or so I thought.

Connor inhales a deep breath before letting it out slowly. He leans forward onto the table, clasping his hands together like mine. When he does it, our fingers brush the slightest bit. For once, I’m not the one to pull away, he is.

He looks down at his hands briefly, before looking back up to meet my eyes.

“I was in a really bad place back then. I was pretty good at hiding it. But there came a day when I finally accepted that I needed to work on myself.”

His words trail off but I don’t rush him. I wait until he’s ready to begin again. When he goes to speak again, he’s interrupted by the waitress.

“Are we ready to order?”

We both take turns ordering, each of us getting the peanut butter pancakes. When the waitress excuses herself, I don’tneed to ask Connor to elaborate because he starts talking right away.

“It took a long time for me to get to the point where I didn’t hate myself. I wish I could say I was able to balance it all—friends, hockey, relationships—but I just couldn’t. It took everything in me not to lose myself completely. But I ended up losing some people along the way. I’m not proud of it, but that was my reality. I guess I was too scared to reach out after so much time. Everyone seemed to have moved on.”

I’m not sure if he means it, but I swear there’s a hidden meaning behind that last sentence. Am I selfish to think he’s referring to me? Maybe. But he’s not wrong. After a while of reaching out, we all gave up on him. That wasn’t really fair of us either.

“I can’t speak for everyone else, but I’m sorry I stopped trying. I just wasn’t sure what else to do.”

Connor shakes his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Avery. All I’ve ever wanted for you is to live your life and be happy. Don’t ever apologize for doing exactly that.”

Ha. If only he knew the half of it. I didn’t think there would ever be a day I felt as happy as I did when I was with him. High school sweethearts feels so inadequate for what we truly were to each other back then. After he left for college and broke my heart, the world around me felt duller. I wondered if I’d ever find color again. But somehow I found a way. And yet, here I am, all these years later, living in black and white again. I’m barely scraping by. Losing him feels like nothing compared to losing myself.

“You okay? Where’d you go?” Connor’s voice breaks through my thoughts.

I look up to see him, head tilting, assessing me with concern in his eyes. I want to open up to him and tell him all the hell I’ve been through. He just opened up to me about losing himself, and I wish I could do the same. I want to drive to the woods, lie on the hood of my car, and tell him howmuch my hopes and dreams have changed. I’m not sure I even have any at this point. I don’t even recognize my life anymore. All I know is I can’t live like this and diagnosing what’s been going on with me is the first step to a new life. And I can’t do that without him.

“Sorry, was just thinking about something.”

Connor scrutinizes me, his eyes narrowed, but he stays quiet.

“Thank you for telling me why you disappeared. I wish you would’ve confided in me back then, but I understand why you did what you did.”

Connor nods, and then we’re interrupted yet again when the waitress places our food in front of us. A silence washes over the table as we both start cutting into our pancakes.