Page 33 of Defend Her Heart

“Oh my gosh, Sloane! Leave her alone and get out of here, would you?” Sadie stands now and begins shoving her out the door.

We’re all laughing and shouting our goodbyes one more time. Ellie leaves shortly after Sloane which leaves just me, Sadie, and Katie. It’s getting pretty late so we all start cleaning up the mess we made of the snacks on the coffee table.

“You guys don’t need to help clean. I got it,” Katie says while trying to balance a cheese tray and chip and dip platter. I rush over to her and grab the platter before she drops it to the floor and makes an even bigger mess.

“I don’t mind. I don’t really have anywhere else to be anyway.”

Sadie shoots me a sympathetic look.

“Don’t look at me like that. I’m fine, really. I’m happy to be on my own. I just wish I had a place of my own. Tamara doesn’t mind me crashing, but that place really isn’t big enough for the both of us.”

I finally have a paycheck coming in, but most of it is going to past medical bills and normal day-to-day bills. And with the way things played out after the divorce—Bryan had me sign an iron-clad prenup—I don’t have enough money to move out yetandpay all my bills. I’m still trying to figure out how I’ll save enough for the first and last month’s rent on a new place.

“Hopefully you’ll be able to find your own place soon. The garage apartment is still an option if you want your own space. I know I offered before, but I want you to know it’s still on the table.”

Sadie offered for me to move into her old apartment attached to Niko’s garage when she found out I was crashing on Tamara’s couch. It was a very generous offer, but I didn’tfeel right moving there when they just started life as a family of three. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. And honestly, with how down I’ve been feeling lately, seeing Tamara and knowing she’s close by, at least when she’s home, makes everything a little better in that regard.

“I know. Thank you, Sadie. But I will be okay for a little longer. I already started looking for places.”

If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t know when I’ll feel comfortable enough living alone. Passing out and hitting my head really rocked me both physically and mentally. That’s why figuring out a way to pay for these tests is so important. Maybe once I have some answers, I can figure out a way to move forward.

Katie holds a trash bag open in front of me and we get to work throwing away plates and napkins.

“How’s that going so far? I know Green Bay can be pretty pricey, especially if you’re looking downtown.”

She’s not wrong. The places I’ve looked into have a higher price tag than St. Louis and Minnesota. Because I was only hired as a freelance commentator for the first season, my paychecks aren’t that impressive yet. I’m hoping they decide I’m a good fit, because I know if I’m hired by the network and organization, my paycheck will be substantially more and insurance benefits will be included. The Bobcats organization continues to champion women in hockey, and it’s not just a front to look good. They’re bouncing back from the scandal that happened two years ago, but they still pay their people well. And I just need to remember that when I start to spiral about how much everything is going to cost me. It’s only temporary. I hope.

“There’s a few places I really like. I’m hoping they have availability in a couple months.” I tell the white lie to hopefully end the conversation. I don’t need them worrying about me more than they already are.

Out of nowhere, I’m hit with a wave of fatigue thatthreatens to take me out at the legs. Every time this happens, it feels like I’ve been hit by a bus. There are times I can sense it coming on, but other times it blindsides me. Like right now.

I am so fucking tired of being tired. As much as I want to fight it off, I’m feeling weak in the knees and need to take a seat.

“You okay?” Sadie asks. She sits next to me on the couch, worry creasing her brows.

“Yeah, I just got really tired all of a sudden.”

Katie grabs the plate I didn’t realize I was still holding and sits down on my other side. “This place is clean enough. You should go home. Are you okay to drive?”

Am I?

Tamara’s place is less than ten minutes away, so I should be okay. I think.

“Yeah. I’m good.” And when I go to stand, I’m surprised that I really am all right. Well, good enough that I’m not falling over, at least.

Katie hands me my purse and water before hugging me goodbye.

Sadie stands and pulls me into a hug next. Instead of letting go, she keeps her hands on my shoulders. “Text me when you get home, okay?”

I nod, another pang of something hitting me square in the chest. It’s an odd feeling, to be cared about unconditionally like this by people I’ve not known very long. I could fall into a self-loathing spiral, wondering why I stayed with my ex for so long when he so clearly didn’t care about me. Instead, thanks to the work I’ve been doing in therapy, I focus on something completely different.

I got out.

And how lucky am I to have found such wonderful people to rebuild my life with?

Downtown is bustling with couples and families enjoying the holiday lights and igloo seating outside of some restaurants. A feeling of longing overtakes me, surprising me as I make my way down the sidewalk with my carry-out bag in hand. I thought I was okay with being alone, but seeing how happy everyone is hits something inside of me I thought I buried long ago.

My apartment sits on the outskirts of the busy main strip of downtown, with a beautiful view of the Fox River, so although it’s cold, it’s not too far of a walk. The fresh air is a nice reprieve from being stuck inside my apartment alone all day.