Page 97 of Louder Than Words

The second I let go, she turns away from me, burying herself again in her duvet I’m starting to hate. Because I wish it were me. I wish it were my shirt she wanted to bury herself into.

I wish I could take her pain away and absorb every ounce of it into myself.

And more than anything, I wish she would just let me take care of her.

But I guess the way I do that is doing the one fucking thing I don’t want to do.

And that’s leaving.

39

Jax

I hate to say it, but I think I understand Gareth a little more now.

And that’s scary.

Just a few months ago, I was the one pushing him to talk, trying to get him to socialize so he would stop coming across like some Neanderthal by grunting at everyone. NowI’mthe one doing the grunting.

At least I’m not snapping at people like he did with poor James. I simply ignore them in hopes they’ll end up leaving me alone. Yet, nobody seems to be able to take a fucking hint.

“Come on, Jax. You showed up after midnight last night and haven’t said more than a word to any of us all day today. What’s going on?” Gareth asks, nudging my foot with the sole of his boot. “We weren’t expecting you back up here until after the holidays.”

I scoff as my foot slips off my knee and hits the tile with a dull thud. Still, I don’t look away from the bay window. The city below moves like always.

Like everything’s just fucking normal.

I shrug. “Doesn’t matter.”

“Pfft, what do you mean it doesn’t matter, Jax? Did you forget we were all there when Allie passed out? Come on, what’s going on?” he pushes, and my blood pressure skyrockets.

My eyes snap to his. “It’s none of anyone’s business, mate! If I wanted to talk about it, I’d have found you. But I didn’t, did I?”

So much for not snapping.

Gareth’s eyes widen, but I’ve already turned back to the window. “Alright. You know where to find us, mate,” he mutters.

The loveseat groans as he gets up and I hear his footsteps retreat down the hall until his door clicks shut.

My head falls to the back of the seat, and I pinch the bridge of my nose so hard I swear I hear it crack. I know I should apologize. It’s not their fault my life’s a mess right now. But damn it, I never ask to be left alone. So when I finally do, why can’t they just respect that?

I hear footsteps again, and it takes everything in me not to turn around and snap at whoever the hell is coming back. Instead, I sigh, loud and dramatic, before grabbing the beer from the table beside me and taking the biggest swig I can manage.

The leather screams as they lower themselves into the loveseat, and I mentally curse the gods for thinking I only deserved a solid ten seconds of peace and quiet.

I take another pull from my beer.

“Beautiful night, huh?”

I glance over and find Don with one ankle over his knee, eyes on the Boston skyline. Not on me. Not analyzing me. Not building a pep talk in his head. Just looking, his eyes scanning over the skyscrapers as if he’s looking for answers himself.

Why he can’t do that from the comfort of his own room across the hall is beyond me.

I down the rest of my beer and set it on the marble end table with a heavy clank, already reaching for another.

“How many is that tonight, Jax?” Don asks, sipping on his own beer, eyes still searching outside.

I shrug. “A few.”