Page 55 of Fed By Fear

My cheek is pressed against Hunt’s smooth chest. The sight of my arm wrapped around his waist floods me with new frustration. I’m still blue.

“What do I have to do to survive now?”

“Accept. Accept what you are,” Hunt encourages.

The idea of accepting myself, knowing the horrible things I did… Every one of those people died in such terrible ways. At my hands. Thinking about my crimes for the rest of my life will surely drive me to insanity. Especially not knowing if and when it will happen again. Is the rest of my life going to be full of blackouts? Waking up, covered in blood wondering whose daughter, brother, husband, friend, I’ve killed?

“If I accept,”which I can’t, “will I stop blacking out?”

“Yes. You will be fully in control.” Madness brushes his fingers beneath my chin.

Control sounds nice. Especially consideringsomeone else seems to have been running the show for so long. Control won’t erase my guilt. “Will I still be evil?”

Gator strokes my back. His low voice vibrates through my ribs. “There is no such thing as evil among demons. Energy, instinct, action, it’s all neutral.”

That word is like a dagger through my lungs. “Am I really a demon?”

My trio nods. “You can beourdemon. If you choose.”

“Choose?”

“To fully accept yourself and leave the mortal version behind.” Gator hooks a talon beneath the final piece of flesh-colored skin that’s begun peeling away from my ribcage. He lifts it, gently, before retracting his hand.

“I feel so guilty. I don’t think I can live like this. The shame might eat me alive.”

“It won’t. Eating things alive is my job.” Gator winks at me.

I want to smile at the small joke. There’s too much sadness in me. “I don’t deserve to live.”

Hunt grips my upper arms. “The emotions overwhelming you are temporary. You can escape these feelings, all of them, for good.”

Madness points to the pale piece of skin. “Leave everything behind.”

Selfishness is all too tempting. Abandon my guilt for a life as a monster. If I don’t move away from these feelings, they will consume me. The look on my parents’ faces… “The sadness will stay behind too?”

They all nod. “Remove the last piece. Let go of it all.”

Madness wraps his hand around mine, lowering it until I have hold of the tattered piece. A tiny boost from the fighter I was before this night shoots courage throughmy veins. Without prolonging it, I rip the final pale piece of skin from my stomach.

My soul bursts.

The pieces hack at my throat and chest. Shards of emotion breaking free. They rip through my skin, tiny white pieces as bright as the moon and as sharp as glass. Sorrow and hopelessness vacate my body. Air squeezes from my tightening ribs. There’s an audible crack as each emotion is chiseled away.

Madness cackles. “Up they go. Away, away.”

Away, gone, I’m losing everything.

“Stop this,” I cry out. “I need to go back.” Fear more potent than anything my monsters instilled in me seizes my mind. I’m going to be obliterated. I won’t exist after this moment.

“It’s impossible to go back now. Let it go. Join us. Release yourself from the past.”I can’t tell whose voice it is. The words are stretched and distorted.“Trust us.”

Trust is a double-edged blade. How few I’ve trusted in my life.

“We’re still here,”they whisper.“We’re still yours.”

Something resembling trust caresses my feral mind. They are waiting for me to fight through this. My monsters. This—this is the only way I can truly have them.

I have to let it all go.