Page 36 of Under Pressure

Isn’t that what we all want?

I can list a hundred things I’d choose to have instead.

Beck

Tell me a few.

Okay. To start with, a job where I’m not constantly fearing going broke. I love what I do, but it could be taken from me at any moment. I’d love to go one day without worrying about a fire ripping through and destroying everything I’ve ever worked for, or a sudden drop in customers to the point that I can’t pay my bills.

Beck

What would you do then?

I don’t know.

Beck

What else? If you could have anything?

I . . . can’t get myself to type a response. Not because I’m against sharing right now, but becauseI don’t knowwhat to say.

WhatdoI want? Outside of Blank Page, where do I even see myself ten years down the road? Am I still here, dealing with the same inability to sit still and craft a life that doesn’t involve coffee and stress?

I stare at the screen, unable to find a single thing to tell him. Then, another message comes through.

Beck

I’ll probably only be this good for another three years. If that many, as long as I don’t injure myself.

My shoulders fall, easily accepting the change of focus.

What comes after that?

Beck

I’d coach, if there’s a team that wants me. I don’t want to go back down to play at a lower level again. I’m past that.

What kind of injury could you get?

I expect him to tease me about caring, but he doesn’t. It’s surprising in a good yet mildly concerning way.

Beck

Tommy John, for one. It’s an elbow injury. At this point in my career, I can’t guarantee that I’d be the same after.

Is that common?

Beck

For pitchers? Yeah. I guess. I throw one inning when I’m needed, but on a good night, my fastball is a hundred and four. The odds of me hurting myself are pretty high if I’m not careful.

I refuse to think about the reason behind the sudden nausea rolling over me.

You should be careful then.

Beck

Yeah, Quinny. I’ll do that for you.