Page 63 of Trade It All

Now—I don’t settle. I shift. I turn. I stare at the ceiling more nights than I actually sleep.

Tonight is no different. It takes longer than it should, but eventually I drift off, not deep, not fully gone—just enough that my body starts to let go.

And then my phone rings.

It cuts through everything, sharp and immediate, dragging me back up before I even realize I was under. I almost let it go, my hand missing it the first time as I reach blindly across the nightstand, my head still heavy with sleep.

Then I see the name.

Maddie.

I’m awake instantly.

“Baby,” I answer, my voice rough but already shifting, already sharpening with concern. “What happened? What’s the matter? Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” One word. Quiet. And I know.

I sit up immediately, dragging a hand through my hair as the last of the sleep burns off.

“Don’t lie to me, Maddie.” My voice drops, not harsh, but firm enough that she can’t brush it off. “We don’t do that with each other. You can lie to anyone else—but not me.”

There’s a long pause. She doesn’t answer.

I close my eyes for a second, already piecing it together, already knowing what pulled her out of sleep the way it used to do to me before I learned how to shut it down.

“Did you have a nightmare?” I ask, softer now, even though the tension in my chest hasn’t eased.

“Yeah.” It’s barely there. A whisper.

“Baby…” The word comes out steadier than I feel, calmer than what’s sitting under my skin, because she doesn’t need that from me right now. She doesn’t need the anger or the frustration at the situation or the fact that I’m not there to fix it.

She needs control.

“Do you want me to come get you?” I ask, already shifting like I’m going to get up, already calculating how fast I can be out the door.

“No.” It comes quick. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called. You have to get up early for the trip. I’m sorry.”

She’s whispering again. Apologizing. That alone makes my jaw tighten.

“But Luka and Addy heard me,” she continues, her voice breaking slightly now, the words rushing out like she can’t hold them back. “They heard me scream, saw me crying, Dean. How can I face them after they’ve seen me like that? I’m so stupid. So stupid for still dreaming like that.”

“Maddie.”

I cut in, my voice firmer now, enough to stop the spiral before it goes any further.

“They love you,” I say, steady and sure, not giving her space to argue it. “They’re not going to look at you differently. Not for that.”

I exhale slowly, forcing everything else down so she doesn’t hear it.

“And you are not fucking stupid.”

The words come sharper, but not at her.

At the idea.

“Mad at yourself for something you can’t control? No. Not happening. You don’t get to talk about yourself like that.”

She goes quiet again. Listening.