Page 59 of We Are Okay

But here is her duffel open in the middle of my floor.

The thought of her slinging it over her shoulder and walking out is enough to make me double over. I have to fill the minutes between now and then with as much as I can.

I climb out of bed and take out the gifts I bought. I wish I had wrapping paper or at least some ribbon, but the tissue paper will have to do. I put on a bra and change into jeans and a T-shirt. I brush my hair. For some reason I don’t want to be in my pajamas when I walk her down the stairs.

“Hey,” she says from the doorway.

“Good morning,” I say, trying not to cry. “I’ll be right back.”

I rush through peeing and brushing my teeth so that I can be back there, with her. I catch her before she zips up her suitcase.

“I was thinking we could wrap this in your clothes,” I say, and hand her the vase I bought for her parents. She takes it from me and nestles it into her things. She goes to reach for the zipper but I stop her.

“Close your eyes and hold out your hands,” I say.

“Shouldn’t I wait?” she asks.

“Lots of people exchange gifts on Christmas Eve.”

“But the thing I got you is—”

“I know. It doesn’t matter. I want to see you open it.”

She nods.

“Close your eyes,” I say again.

She closes them. I look at her. I wish her everything good. A friendly cab driver and short lines through security. A flight with no turbulence and an empty seat next to her. A beautiful Christmas. I wish her more happiness than can fit in a person. I wish her the kind of happiness that spills over.

I place the bell into her open palms.

She opens her eyes and unwraps it.

“You noticed,” she says.

“Ring it.”

She does, and the tone lingers and we wait quietly until it’s over.

“Thank you,” she says. “It’s so pretty.”

She slings her bag over her shoulder, and it hurts just as much as I expected it to. I follow her into the elevator. When we get to the door, the cab is waiting in a sea of white.

“You’re sure, right?” she asks.

“Yeah,” I say.

She looks out the window.

She bites a nail.

“You’re sure you’re sure?”

I nod.

She takes a deep breath, manages a smile.

“Okay. Well. I’ll see you soon.”