Page 74 of Hold Fast

“Perhaps we should leave it to thehealerto determine that? I wonder who that could be. Och, aye,’tis me!”

“You are nae well!” he shouted, each word a staccato.

“I am fine!” she returned with just as much emphasis.

“Och, aye. As ever you were,” Fiona said lightly, her eyebrows high. “Would either of you stubborn mules care to hear whatIthink is the matter?”

Ewan shot Fiona a glare, and Una smirked. He crossed his arms over his chest and leveled a look at the housekeeper.

“’Tisnae obvious? The lass is with child. When I had my bairns, I was the same way at first. Tired, crabbit, couldnae keep a bite down for weeks. You’ve been dragging yourself around the keep lately, Una. Going to bed early, rising late. Aye, I’d say there will be a little lairdling come autumn.”

Fiona kept chattering happily as she moved about the room, but Ewan locked eyes with Una and felt the world around them go completely still. As if time stopped marching, he heard everything in minute detail—the tiny pops and crackles of the log in the hearth, the wind against the walls of the keep, his own ragged breath, the relentless pounding of his heart in his ears.

“Nay,” he whispered, barely, but from her gasp, he knew Una heard him. “You cannae be…”

“I could,” she said, taking a deep breath, her eyes going wide with wonder and surprise. “I am.”

“But you… you prevented it with… you havenae?”

What was he saying? Had he truly thought she was? Whatever he had thought, whatever had had tried to say, it was the wrong thing. Her eyes narrowed in anger and her mouth dropped open.

“Nay,” she said. “I didnae ken you wanted me to.”

He backed slowly towards the door, never blinking as he stared at Una. Because he hadn’t wanted her to. Had he? Or had he simply assumed she would do it on her own, that she would want to wait until the year was up before any lasting decisions were made? The floor began to go out from under him; he felt as if he were falling feet first into a chasm. His ears rang; his breath came in short, insufficient bursts.

“Ewan,” Una said, reaching for him.

Ewan’s hand shook as he reached behind him for the latch, fumbling to open the door, and then fled into the hall.

“Ewan!” he heard her shout just as the door shut behind him.

Suddenly, time snapped back in place, the words,I could. I am,echoing in his brain as he ran.

CHAPTER30

Ewan descended the stairs in a daze, feeling his pulse in his ears, barely breathing, eyes wide. Sounds from the evening meal in the hall drifted into the stairwell. His stomach turned from the smells of roasted game and fresh bread, but he found himself opening the doors to the Great Hall and striding toward the dais. His siblings were all seated and enjoying their suppers.

“Ewan! You look as if you’ve seen a ghost,” Angus said, standing and placing a hand on Ewan’s shoulder.

For the first time in his twenty-five years, Kenneth had the good sense not to crack a joke. He stood and tried to push Ewan into a chair, but Ewan shook his brother off.

“Have you seen David?” he asked. “I must speak with him.”

“He’s at home,” Angus replied, peering around Kenneth. “Said he wouldnae be in the hall tonight.”

Ewan nodded to Angus, grateful that his brother paid such close attention to those around him, and stepped off the dais.

“Ewan—” Kenneth called after him, but Ewan shook his head and kept walking. He needed to talk to David. He needed his best friend.

David’s cottage was near the curtain wall, and as he approached it, Ewan couldn’t help but remember the day he’d spent planning Una’s own cottage behind it. David’s home was neat and spartan, with no hint that a woman had ever lived there. Though one had.

Five years before, David’s wife delivered a babe sleeping and lost her life in the process. David and Ewan never discussed it. The reason was as obvious as it was shameful to Ewan. David never brought Isbel up in conversation because he did not want to add to Ewan’s grief. But Ewan had also not created space for Davidtospeak of her.

What a piss-poor friend I am, Ewan chided himself.

And yet here he was, knocking on David’s door, seeking out friendship that he had not offered the way he should have. David answered, clearly surprised to see him, and invited him in without word.

They didn’t speak. Ewan had always appreciated that about David. He was a man who could talk for hours but who never felt the need to fill silence just for the sake of speaking. David turned to the hearth and stirred something in a pot, crouching low before the fire.