Page 61 of Kitten

“What necklace?”

“The one you lost. You know, that made you late.”

“Fuck, sorry.” She unscrewed the wine and poured out two glasses. “I was lying, obviously. No, I was in a fight with Becca. She’s thinking of moving out. This is good, by the way.” She nodded at her glass. “Nice pick.”

“It was twelve dollars.”

“Double digits. What did I do to deserve such royal treatment?”

“I wanted to apologize to you,” I said. “We don’t have to make a big deal out of this, but. I feel like I haven’t been a good roommate to you. Or a friend.”

“Hm.” Lou made a show of swirling her glass. “How so?”

“The utilities. I should’ve—”

“No, I was being a bitch. I don’t give a fuck about the money, to be honest. I wasn’t upset about that.”

“Okay, well. Thanks for covering me anyway. I was really wrapped up in stuff.”

“As if I didn’t know,” said Lou. “I was just annoyed that you disappeared into James. I never saw you anymore.”

“I know,” I said. “I told you, I can be obsessive.”

“And clearly so can he. But I thought if you were going to completely merge your life into your boyfriend’s, you might as well get the benefit of borrowing his money.”

“I think I just didn’t realize you’d care so much.”

“Are you serious?” Lou’s voice gained an edge, like how it sounded when she fought with her sister over the phone. “You thought I didn’t care about you? We’ve lived together for four years.”

I pinched my wrist. She batted my hand away. I forced myself to meet her eyes.

“You think nobody in your life cares about you, because it allows you to act like a little monster.”

I laughed.

“I’m serious.”

“I get it,” I said. “I’m sorry.”

“Just get a grip, you know.” Lou refilled her glass. “Where are you living now, anyway? With James?”

“Kind of.”

“What do you mean, kind of?”

I didn’t exactly know. James and I hadn’t discussed our living together. The sex last evening was good, better than it had ever been. But that night James slept facing away from me, and in the morning, I still couldn’t bring myself to touch BLÅHAJ or open the new dresser. After James’s mother left, the apartment cleared of all reminders of Silver, we became awkward, nearly polite, around each other.

An uncomfortable feeling scraped at me whenever Ilooked at or thought of James. I wasn’t sure if the feeling was love, or regret, or both. I had caused him pain. I’d done it mindlessly, passively, which was even worse. I yearned to be part of his life but rejected it at the same time. He wanted me to be his equal, and I wanted to be his pet. Was that still what I wanted?

Lou listened to me explain. Her expression was difficult to read. “Personally,” she finally said, “I think you should take the free housing. But I shoplift from small businesses, so maybe I’m morally bankrupt. You said you loved each other, right?”

“I can’t tell if I love him,” I said. “If I really loved him, I wouldn’t have, I don’t know, killed his cat.”

“Plenty of people do crazy things to the people they love,” said Lou. “Just talk to my parents. Anyway, I swear when you first met, you were like,this is my person.”

“ButIwas barely a person back then. My mother and I had basically just broken up. That’s probably why I started dating him.”

“You act like you’re the first person on Earth who hooked up with a stranger because they were depressed. Relationships change. The beginning of a relationship is the least interesting thing about it.”