Page 34 of Something like Desire

Maren leans back, hands crossed behind her head, and smiles serenely. “I’m in no rush. I’m in a good place right now. When he comes around, he comes around. I don’t want to go hunting for him.” She stretches out on the couch, and I lie back on the other side, our feet lining up with each other’s waists, perfectly comfortable in our silence. I know it’s because we’re such good friends whose personalities complement each other, but Maren would say it’s because we’re a Libra and an Aquarius—astrologically destined to be best friends.

FIFTEEN

After Maren leaves for her book club, Jayden comes by, putting my new couch cover to good use. He was kind of surprised that I didn’t want to come by his house like I always do, and I was kind of relieved I’d have a break from dodging my favorite cat.

“So, tomorrow night you bust your mom,” he says, giving me a sideways glance. “And then hopefully all this drama will end for good. Have you figured out what you’re going to say to her?” He grabs a handful of salt-and-vinegar chips and shoves them in his mouth.

“Not really. I figured I’d judge the situation when it happens. I told Zach I’d like to talk to her on my own, otherwise it feels too mean.”

“I thought his name was Nicholas.” Jayden sweeps his curls off his forehead and narrows his eyes at me. “And you talked to your mom’s boyfriend about her Via Match connection? Didn’t you want to wait on that?”

I walked right into that one. I clear my throat. “Nicholas is Mom’s boyfriend and Zach is his son. We met at Hibiscus Beach Resort because we’re both trying to break up the relationship.”

“Wait. You were in on it together right from the beginning?” Jayden looks away, but not before I catch the sting behind his eyes. “We’ve talked about your stakeouts or missions or whatever how many times and you never thought to bring this Zach guy up?”

I’d be upset if he left a detail like that out of one of his stories. It seems deliberate. Itwasdeliberate. “I thought I mentioned him. Sorry.”

Jayden swings his legs down and sits straight up. “Are we okay?”

I bristle at the question. His words seem to echo in the stunned silence that follows. I didn’t know my confusion about us was that transparent. So much for my new resolve to fix things. This is getting tense quickly and all the feelings I talked myself out of are coming rushing to the surface again. “Yes. We’re okay. Of course we’re okay. Why would you even ask that?”

Jayden shakes his head slowly. “The last two weeks have been pretty weird. I’m sure you’ve noticed it too. You’re kind of distant all of a sudden and you’re acting like our life together isn’t good enough the way it is.”

I get up and put an arm around him, but his body is stiff against me. “I’m sorry I was giving off that vibe. I feel bad. Ever since my mom told me what’s happening with her, I guess I’ve been feeling disillusioned, and it made me evaluate some things and try to put stuff into perspective. But that’s not fair to you. We should go away this weekend. Let’s get out and do something.”

Jayden sighs softly. “Yeah. Maybe not this weekend though. I’m kind of tired. I was hoping we could stay home and relax.”

“We do thateveryweekend.” I toss a pillow at him, trying to lighten the mood. It always works with Maren, but he just bats it away and frowns. “You were all up for a trip to Santa Monica,” I continue. “You mentioned it a few days ago. Let’s just do it. Be spontaneous for a change. We don’t want to always be doing the same thing.”

Jayden sighs and shifts away from me, resting his elbow on the armrest. “This is exactly what I’m talking about. A few weeks ago, you were so content, and now it seems like you’re trying to shake everything up. Yeah, I wanted to go to Santa Monica—for a fun weekend getaway, not as some kind of desperate attempt to keep stuff with us interesting. What’s that about?”

“I don’t think I’m doing that but I also don’t think it’s bad to want to do things that are out of the ordinary. Look... this feels too intense for a Wednesday night. Let’s watch a comedy or something. Do you want to order linguine?” I almost add,like we always do, but stop myself because I can sense a bitterness in my tone that I didn’t mean and I glance at Jayden to make sure he hasn’t caught it. Sadly, it seems like he has. He stands and starts walking toward the door.

“I’m kind of tired,” he repeats, staring down at the carpet. “I’m going to head home for an early night.”

There’s a lump in my throat and I try to swallow around it. Jayden and I don’t argue very often and him just getting up and wanting to leave when we were going to spend time together...? It’s totally unlike him.

“I thought we were going to hang out. I was thinking you could stay over.”

“All my stuff’s at my house and I have work tomorrow. And honestly? You’re talking to me in a passive-aggressive way and I think a break would be a good idea. It doesn’t seem like we’re on the same page with what we feel is going on with us right now.”

I spring to my feet and join him in the doorway, grabbing his hand and trying to lead him back to the couch. He doesn’t budge. “What do you mean ‘a break’?” I say. “Like, you want to break up with me?”

Jayden frowns, his shoulders sinking as he backs up to the wall.

“You’re jumping to that?” he says quietly. “I never said anything about a breakup. I mean we should have a night where we spend time on our own since we’re arguing so much.” He sighs and runs a hand along his face. “Not everyone’s going to break up just because your parents did. It’s fine that we’re not agreeing. Tomorrow’s a new day and I’m sure we’ll get along again.”

I study his profile as he bends down to put on his shoes. All of a sudden, this feeling settles in over me. I picture us, decades in the future, still eating at Nova, still in the same careers, still having vanilla sex, because everything other than missionary is too pornographic—and a panicked feeling hits me.

Can I imagine ordering linguine from Nova once a week every week, watching the same types of movies for years and years? The thought of it makes my insides twist in knots and an ache form behind my eyes. “I think I do want a break,” I blurt, and I hear the words before I fully register that I’m the one who said them. “From us.”

Jayden freezes, hurt in his eyes. “You don’t mean that.”

What am I doing?I’m always the person who thinks everything out, painstakingly. I weigh out options before I give anyone advice, and I hardly ever make big decisions like this without considering all the possible outcomes. But this feels like something I need to do, and I feel sure of it in a way I haven’t felt before. “I’m sorry,” I say. “But I do. You’re right that stuff has seemed different lately. I’m sorry I was trying to deny it. Like I said, what happened with my parents is making me think about stuff and evaluate my life and I realize there are some changes I want to make.”

Jayden tilts his head and squints at me. “Since you’re being so honest, why didn’t you mention that Zach person before? Youneverleave details like that out of your stories.”

I take a deep breath. “It’s because I have complicated feelings toward him. Maybe I’m just confused because of my parents. It might be nothing at all... but to be fair to you, I think I need time apart to make some choices.”