Page 77 of Queen of the Shadow

“Yes, and gave her blessing for me to find my own path. The journey was long. I crossed the land of the Gauls, forded the channel to Briton, and then traveled north to Alba. Finally, I took the ferry we used today and crossed to Skye.

“It was not far from here that the attack happened. I’d traveled with a Scythian guard until we reached the ferry. Then I sent my countrywomen back as the safety of the Queen of Shadow’s isle is well known.” She paused and chewed her lip. “I’ll admit that I was eager to send my countrywomen away. I wanted to walk this new path by myself, and to do that I needed to arrive at Dunscáith alone to prove myself worthy to Scáthach.” She snorted. “I was very young.” She glanced at him and added. “About your age.”

His snort echoed hers, and then he added, “You said attack?”

Tabiti continued. “Yes.” She glanced around them and jerked her chin toward the craggy hills to their right. “There’s a stream not far from here. It runs from those rocky hills. Were it light you could see the water. I knew I was not far from the castle. I decided to wash and change into the formal clothes I’d brought to wear to present myself to the queen in my finest.” She stopped speaking then.

Cuchulainn glanced at her, wondering if he should ask a question so that she’d continue, wondering at the tightness in Tabiti’s jaw and her furrowed brow—easily seen, even in the dusky light. He was trying to think of what he could say when she continued. Her voice lacked all emotion. It was as if she reported something that had happened to someone with whom she had no connection.

“I was in the stream. Naked. They caught me. There were six of them. Norse raiders. They took my weapons and my clothes. Then they came for me. I fought them with my teeth, my hands, my feet. I killed one of them. I bit him. Ripped his throat out as he pressed me to the ground and forced himself into me. The other five learned from him. They tied me down. Put a noose around my neck. If I moved to bite another one of them, or to struggle at all, the noose would tighten, and I would choke myself.” She wiped a hand across her face. “For a long time afterward I wished I’d struggled harder.”

“No.” Cuchulainn almost spat the word. “You survived. That is what is most important.”

“I know that now. Then I wasn’t so sure. The truth is they would have probably killed me had Scáthach not come upon us. She killed them. Cut all five down so quickly, I didn’t fully understand what was happening. I was—” Her words broke off, and she had to clear her throat and take several breaths. “I was not myself. I tried to fight her.” Tabiti raised her gaze to meet his. “Somehow she got through to me, calmed me, and then she brought me to Dunscáith and helped me heal.”

“Scáthach is good at that,” said Cuchulainn.

“She is and my body healed. My spirit, though. That took a lot longer to stop bleeding, festering.” Tabiti shook her head. “I blamed myself for so long. Too long.”

“But you were naked and alone against six warriors. You could not have stopped them. You were not to blame.”

Tabiti pulled her horse to a halt and Cuchulainn stopped with her. “You were wounded, drugged, and bound. Alone. You could not have stopped what she did to you. You were not to blame.”

They sat there, staring at each other until Cuchulainn finally said, “Scáthach told you?”

“She didn’t have to. I recognized the wound to your spirit.”

“How did you stop blaming yourself?” he asked slowly, as if it was difficult for him to speak the words.

“I forgave myself—for sending my escort away, for leaving the path, for bathing, for abandoning my weapons on a rock with my clothes, for not being big enough or strong enough to defeat six men with my hands and teeth. It seems silly when I say it now. I shouldn’t have needed to forgive myself for any of those things becauseI did nothing wrong.”She drew in a deep breath, then asked him, “Do you know why you were captured by Aife’s men?”

“Yes,” he said bitterly. “So that I could service Aife like one of her breeding stallions.”

“No. That is why Aife set her men after you,” Tabiti said. “You were captured because you chose to shield Amage and me from their arrows so we could escape. Had you not protected us, you could have easily gotten away. Instead you did not dive into the safety of the loch, and Aife’s men were able to capture you. Cu, you did nothing wrong. You are not to blame. Forgive yourself for whatever your mind is whispering that you should have done differently. Stop punishing yourself. When you do that, you will be able to leave what she did to you in the past.”

Cuchulainn said nothing for several minutes. Finally he spoke again. “Thank you. I will remember what you have told me.”

Tabiti echoed his earlier words. “You need not thank me. I’m glad I am here. Glad if I can help guide your spirit to heal.” Then Tabiti clucked to her horse, and they trotted after the Shadow Guard.

Cuchulainn wished he could stay at Dunscáith with these warriors who were as talented as they were honorable. He wished it so very much.

* * *

It was near midnight when Cuchulainn knocked on the door to Scáthach’s chambers.

“Come!” she called from within.

He opened the door and glanced quickly around the room. It was really two big rooms with two fireplaces and so many candles burning that everything within was touched with a golden light. The outer room held a low table with chairs around it. Two overstuffed chairs were placed in front of the fireplace. The walls were decorated with tapestries as colorful as Scáthach’s tattoos. He could just peek into the second room through a partially open door to see a big bed pallet mounded with furs and blankets. Scáthach sat in one of the chairs, staring into the fire. She didn’t look at him when he entered the room and closed the door behind him.

Cuchulainn cleared his throat and Scáthach turned her gaze from the fire to him. She raised one tawny brow. “I expected Tabiti.” She smiled. “But you are more than welcome. Come in. Sit.” She motioned to the chair across from her before the fireplace.

He sat and drew a deep breath. “I must leave tomorrow.”

Both her brows lifted. “When will you return?”

“I will not return.” He leaned back in the chair and wiped a hand across his face. “Remember that I told you my father healed my wound so I could join you at Dùn Dòbhrain?”

“I do.”