Page 95 of The Good Fortune of Miss Robbins

She waited expectantly.

“I would like to help start a home for orphans,” I said slowly, “but I intend to return the money to Lord Brookhaven, its rightful owner.”

Lady Derringer smiled. “I am so glad to hear you say that you will help with the orphans’ home.”

I sighed. “I believe that some orphanages require children like Sarah and Joshua to have wealthy sponsors and to go through an application process. I would not want our home to require the children to have sponsors. I don’t want to turn anyone away who needs a home.”

“I also would not want to turn anyone away. But there is something I’ve been thinking about.” She frowned a little before continuing. “I’m not sure we’ll be able to house boys and girls together. Most homes separate them. And if we don’t wish to turn anyone away, we will need a large place.”

“I hadn’t thought about that.” I sighed again. This was to be a bigger undertaking than I’d originally thought.

“No need to worry. We will work out such details. But in the meantime, keep all your servants, and your guests are very welcome to stay as long as they’d like. It will take time to set everything up for the children, but we will certainly need servants.”

She talked some more about possible donors for us to call on, some information we would need to provide for a permit, and I listened, but painful thoughts arose.

What would become of me? What would happen to my dream of being loved, of having a husband and children, a family of my own? Would I go my whole life without someone to love me?

I couldn’t think like that. I’d immerse myself in this work of helping orphaned children, and that would be my joy and purpose. I’d forget about Lord Brookhaven.

I’d been so wrong about my fortune. In the beginning I’d thought it was supposed to help me feel powerful, in control of my future.I’d thought the dancing and the socializing would bring me what I wanted most, a chance at happiness, an opportunity to find love and have a family.

But I’d been wrong, for the best thing it had brought me was a chance to make a difference in Joshua and Sarah’s lives. I couldn’t think about the fact that what I really wanted was to be a family with them, to take care of them myself, in my home.

And what was Lord Brookhaven’s role to be in all of this? But I wouldn’t think about him.

For now, I would follow Lady Derringer’s advice, keep the money, keep my servants, and focus on starting a home for orphans. I would pour out my love on the children. It was enough. I could have a purpose in helping children grow up strong because they knew someone loved them. But eventually I’d have to return to Mrs. Southey’s school.

Hattie decided to stay an extra day, but Millicent seemed eager to go.

The next morning, she said very little as I walked with her to the waiting carriage.

“I’m so sorry for how things turned out,” I said.

Millicent only looked grave and said nothing. She’d barely said a word to me since I told her that the fortune had not come from an uncle but from Lord Brookhaven. I’d since regretted telling her that. I wanted to believe the best about her, but something told me that she wouldn’t be discreet and would tell people what Lord Brookhaven had done. It was the sort of thing that would ruin my reputation, but that hardly mattered now, since I’d no longer be available for balls and assemblies and parties, and I’d eventually return to Milford.

“Have a safe trip home,” I said. “Thank you for accepting my invitation. I very much enjoyed your company.”

Millicent finally looked back at me as she climbed into thecarriage and sat down. “Thank you for your hospitality.” She shut the door herself, and I lost sight of her face as the carriage rolled away.

My heart sank, my worst fears confirmed.

Hattie came to stand beside me, and she squeezed my arm.

Thank you,God,forHattie.She’d been sympathetic, but I could see the horror in her eyes, the same horror and confusion I felt. But I set aside my own feelings and said, “I am truly sorry, Hattie, that you’re having to cut your visit to London short.”

“You don’t need to keep apologizing. Besides, it is not your fault. But perhaps you can stay and run the orphanage.”

“Yes, perhaps.”

Dear, sweet Hattie. If only I could be as unencumbered with desires and selfish ambitions as Hattie seemed to be. If only I could have been content to teach at Mrs. Southey’s school and not have advertised to be a governess, I wouldn’t be feeling this pain in my heart right now.

It only took a moment to realize that I wasn’t sorry I’d accepted the offer to become a governess for Lord Brookhaven. Though it had led to this pain and confusion, I wasn’t sorry I’d met him. I’d seen a glimpse of his soul during our talks. I’d seen true feeling and warmth and sincerity, and it had meant more to me than almost anything else.

Now I would focus on helping others, Joshua and Sarah and all the other children whom God would allow me to help. Just as that verse in Scripture said, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”

Was this the work God had prepared for me? Or was I only grasping for something to make myself feel better?

Twenty-Nine