Page 83 of The Good Fortune of Miss Robbins

I nodded to Henson on my way out. He was watching the front door, and I knew Lord Brookhaven had sent a second man to watch the back and to go and fetch help should Henson need it.

Lord Brookhaven’s townhouse was not very far from mine, and I could see him up ahead, as if he were waiting for me. He greeted us and fell in with our group.

“You are very kind to accompany us, Lord Brookhaven,” I said. “But you must allow me to pay your men who have been guarding my house. It is not as if I can’t pay them.”

“Whatever do you mean, Miss Robbins?” He gave me a sly, side-eyed look.

“You know very well what I mean,” I said.

“I care about Joshua and Sarah, just as you do. I want to offer them some protection while the need seems pressing. Once we are sure Mr. White is no longer trying to take the children, I will allow you to dismiss my men back to me.”

I wasn’t sure if I should be annoyed at his high-handed way of taking charge of guarding my house and the children, or if I should just politely thank him for his care. He immediately changed thesubject and asked Hattie what she liked and disliked most about London, so I wrestled with my thoughts in silence.

Lord Brookhaven was more gregarious than usual, especially with Hattie, and I was grateful. She’d often said she felt out of place as we socialized in London, but Lord Brookhaven was helping me to prove the point that only unkind people would ever want her to think she was less important than someone who was wealthier and more fashionable.

And the way Mrs. Drake smirked and bridled when she saw one of her old friends on the street made me want to roll my eyes. She might as well have said,Look at me. I am walking in the companyof the Earl of Brookhaven. Don’t you think betterof me now?

I almost felt sorry for Lord Brookhaven. How could he ever know if someone cared for him because of himself, or because of his title? How many times had he felt used by people who only pretended to like him for who he truly was?

As we neared the park, Mr. Merritt was leaning against the big oak at the entrance. His expression changed when he saw Lord Brookhaven with us.

The two gentlemen bowed to each other—rather stiffly, I thought—and we all exchanged small talk about the weather and the state of the roads.

“I shall leave you ladies in the capable hands of Mr. Merritt,” Lord Brookhaven said. He bowed and turned to leave.

I wanted to call him back, to tell him I’d rather have his company than Mr. Merritt’s, but of course I could not. I watched him go and somehow felt it was my fault Mr. Merritt was here.

Well, of course it was my fault. I still hadn’t given him an answer on whether or not I would marry him.

I would tell him today. It was not helping anyone for me to wait.

We walked through the park more slowly than I would have liked. If I were a man I could have walked at a very quick pace, but I was a woman so I had to have my chaperone, and she could not go at the pace I could.

This inheritance had taught me, however, that life was not as easy for either gentlemen or ladies as I’d once thought. They might not have to take up an occupation as I had, but there were so many rules and expectations, so many mistakes they could make that would doom them to being looked down upon for the rest of their lives.

At least if I married a clergyman, as Mr. Merritt planned to become, I would have a purpose, as my duty would be to care for my husband’s parishioners. But deep in my heart, I knew I wasn’t in love with Mr. Merritt. And after what he’d said at our dinner party about my caring for Joshua and Sarah, I knew I couldn’t marry him.

Perhaps moving to London had not been the best idea. If I’d bought a small country estate with my fifty thousand pounds, I could have walked my own gardens and grounds alone and uninhibited any time I liked. It would have been like being at Lowndesbury House, when I wandered the lovely grounds and was happy.

Except that I would have missed having Lord Brookhaven as my companion.

No, it would not have been the same at all. But still, it was something to think about. Perhaps a small country estate near Milford and Mrs. Southey’s school. At least there I’d be close to Hattie, Susan, and Mrs. Southey.

“It looks as if we’re alone for the moment,” Mr. Merritt said, and I saw that Mrs. Drake and Hattie had wandered a few feet away and were watching some children playing a game of blindman’s buff with their nursemaids. “It gives me an opportunity to ask if you have thought any more about my offer to love and admire you for the rest of our lives.”

I gazed into his face, half expecting him to be smiling in jest. But his expression was sober.

My stomach flipped at what I was about to say. “Forgive me, Mr. Merritt, for you know I have great respect for you and I enjoy your company. We have been good friends. But I’m sorry that I cannot marry you. I’m sorry,” I repeated, my stomach twisting into knots.

“And may I ask why you cannot marry me, a gentleman of good character and family and prospects?”

“You are a very good match for any young lady,” I said quickly, pausing our walk. “You are handsome and your manners are impeccable. But I’m afraid I cannot marry you because ... well, I don’t believe you love me the way I wish to be loved, and I ... please forgive me.”

If only I could think of something better to say! I hated the resentful expression, the way his lips pressed together and he avoided looking me in the eye, his brows drawn together in a scowl.

“I daresay you would have said yes if I hadn’t warned you not to ruin Lord Brookhaven by marrying him when you were his governess.”

“Perhaps I might have,” I said quietly.