Page 86 of Fortress of Snow

Mazy quickly blew out the candle and lay down on the bed beside Juliana. “I don’t know why I said all that,” she whispered. And yet she could feel similar words bubbling up, angry words that still threatened to leap out of her mouth.

“Did something else terrible happen to you? Something you haven’t told me? I will make them pay for what they did—”

“No, nothing beyond what you already know. Although two men did try to take the Swan from Ro and me. I had to threaten them. There was a tense couple of hours where they wouldn’t leave. But Ro and I were not hurt.”

“You must tell me their names so I can apprehend them and make them answer for their actions.”

“I’m tired. I don’t want to talk about it.” She was glad it was too dark for him to see her face.

Sir Berenger was a good man. But he was only a friend. He didn’t want to marry her, and he had no real responsibility for her. If anyone should be asking her forgiveness or saying they were sorry, it was her brothers. One was a baron and the other a knight, but neither of them cared enough to protect her.

She’d even had to come to Ro’s aid, as Ro became fearful in dangerous situations and did not carry a weapon to defend herself, much less Mazy.

Help me, God, to overcome this selfishness inside me.She should not be resentful of Ro. Ro was good to her, was a good friend and partner, and Mazy was happy to protect Ro whenever necessary.

But it was further proof that Mazy could not rely on anyone but herself. Depending on someone else only caused disappointment and pain. And yet none of this was Sir Berenger’s fault.

“Forgive me for what I said.” Sir Berenger’s voice sounded regretful. “And when we get back to London, I will see if I can hire Giles, or someone equally reliable, to be your personal guard, to protect you.”

His words—kind and thoughtful, yet hurtful at the same time—made tears sting her eyes. Part of her wanted to retort, “If I need a guard, I will hire one myself.” But she bit her tongue and said, “No, I thank you. I would prefer you did not hire a guard for me. Good night, Sir Berenger.”

“Good night.” His voice was sad.

As she lay in the dark, she had to keep wiping the tears, praying,Please, God, just let me fall asleep and forget this pain.

Berenger could not stop thinking about Mazy’s words from the night before as they traveled the next day. Why was she so angry?

Juliana had decided to ride with Mazy, and the two of them kept up a cheerful banter, playing games, telling stories, and singing children’s songs and rhymes. Their interaction was so beguiling. Did Mazy understand how appealing she was?

He kept trying to sort out what Mazy had said and why. He’d never seen her angry before. She said she could take care of herself. Was she angry with her brothers and lashing out at him, since they were never around? But that seemed like something only a very immature person would do, not Mazy.

He’d taken great pleasure in being the one to reach her before anyone else when the crowd of ruffians attacked the marketplace. He’d saved her, but what if he had not been there? What if he had not reached her in time? The thought made him physically sick. And what was to stop something like that from happening again?

He’d learned that the way to keep the people he loved safe was to stay in good favor with the king and to stay far away from people like his stepmother, who were selfish enough to destroy lives to get what they wanted. And already he had broken the second rule by nearly agreeing to marry Lady Bristow, and hemight very well break the first rule by telling the king he would not marry Lady Bristow.

So far nothing was going according to his own plans and desires. Would he also cause bad things to happen to the people he loved?

But as he listened to Mazy and Juliana, shoving his gloomy thoughts away, he couldn’t help but smile at the adorable picture they made, as well as the happy sounds of singing and laughing with each other.

Was this not what he’d always wanted? He saw how happy Edwin and Gerard were with their wives, and Delia’s contented life with her husband and children. But if he lost favor with the king by not marrying Lady Bristow...

There was no knowing what trouble he could bring down on his family by refusing to marry the woman the king had chosen for him. But he could not marry Lady Bristow. He recalled what happened when his father married an evil woman. His father had been murdered, and his entire family, all seven sons and one daughter, were nearly beheaded.

Berenger rode close to Mazy. Every time he looked at her, his thoughts whirled in different directions almost simultaneously.

He wanted to wrap his arms around her and tell her how much he admired and cared for her. And he now knew for certain: he wanted to marry Mazy.

His heart was full just thinking of marrying the maiden he admired above all others, the woman he trusted and respected. He had no doubt that she would be a good wife, although he had no idea what their marriage would look like, now that hewould be displeasing the king, besides the fact that it would be full of love and affection.

He also wondered if marrying her would endanger her, himself, and even his family.

He should not allow himself to even think of marrying Mazy, as sweet and beautiful as she was, until he spoke to the king and received his permission. But first he had to tell King Richard that Lady Bristow was not what she appeared to be and turn down the king’s idea of a reward.

He couldn’t bear the thought of Mazy being threatened or attacked again, of her having to defend herself from bodily harm. If she would not allow him to hire someone to protect her, to follow her to and from the marketplace and see that she made it safely home each night, he would have to do it secretly. He couldn’t leave her unprotected again.

“Giles thinks it might rain tonight.”

Mazy was helping Juliana fill up their water flasks at a spring of fresh water where they had stopped to rest the horses. Mazy turned to gaze up at Sir Berenger. “Should we look for an inn to stay the night?” she asked.