Page 57 of Veil of Winter

Suddenly Elyce felt tired in her bones, so tired she went toward her bed, realizing she still had on Sir Gerard’s cloak. She took it off as a dull ache formed in her chest and she draped it across a plush, cushioned bench. She took off her own cloak, then pulled and pushed her dress over her head, which was not easy, as heavy as it was. Throwing herself onto the bed, she lay still, squeezing her eyes shut. Sir Gerard’s face loomed in her mind’s eye.

Why had he not kissed her? He could have kissed her at any time in the garden. They were alone. A few times they had been standing quite close.

He didn’t want her. It was the only conclusion she could think of, the only thing that made sense.

What a fool she had made of herself! He must have seen the way she smiled flirtatiously at him and leaned toward him a few times.

But he had been the one to ask her to go for a walk, as if he wanted to be alone with her.

No, he hadn’t wanted to be alone with her. He’d asked Ysa to go with them.

Elyce buried her face in the pillow, her heart aching. He didn’t want her, but she loved him.

“Foolish, imprudent, impulsive girl,” she whispered harshly into the silk pillowcase.

She’d fallen in love with Sir Gerard, but he obviously did not love her back. And why should he? She was ruled by her feelings. She ran away from her father, and now she was running around from one kingdom to the next, all over the Holy Roman Empire, trying to get support to free her people. No other woman, no other princess, would do such things.

She should control herself.

She sat up and rubbed the tears from her face. She had to focus her thoughts on what was next, what they had to do to help her people. Dwelling on Sir Gerard and her unrequited feelings for him would only make her sad and wouldn’t do her or anyone else any good.

She lay back down, covering herself with the bedclothes, and closed her eyes. At least if she was asleep she couldn’t be thinking about Sir Gerard and how she had expected him to kiss her... and he hadn’t.

Seventeen

Gerard ran a hand over his eyes.

He and Sir Oswalt had arrived back to their chambers after spending all afternoon making arrangements for horses, equipment, and provisions with the captain of the king’s guard for their long journey. At least the activity had kept his mind occupied, mostly, and off of Princess Elyce.

But tonight he would be dining in the Great Hall with her and the king.

She’d looked so beautiful, so self-assured and smiling, when they were on their walk. And when he’d parted from her in the corridor in front of her door, he’d had to clench his jaw and force himself not to say something more, not to put his arms around her and kiss her. When he turned and walked away, his hands had been shaking with the effort to not let her know what he was feeling, by either word or action.

He had told her that he was overly opinionated, but he wasalso overly helpful. Or as some of his friends had told him, he cared too much. Did he care too much now about Princess Elyce?

He wanted to take care of her, to help her take care of her people, to protect her...

He had to get through this night without letting everyone know, including the princess and King Wenceslaus, his true feelings. And then he should be able, mostly, to avoid being alone with her on the road. After all, there would be many other men around.

Was this how it felt to fall in love and want to marry someone? He couldn’t imagine ever feeling this way about any other woman. The princess was so many things—kind, passionate, with a strong sense of justice, and beautiful. Her brilliant smile made his chest ache. He couldn’t remember when he started feeling this way. He’d told himself the kiss did not mean anything, but he couldn’t help wondering if it did. She did not have to kiss him, after all.

What would Delia say? Was this his sister’s plan all along, to get him to fall in love with her friend? Her plan could break his heart.

Delia. She just wanted to help. She and Gerard were a lot alike in that way. Mistress Wattlesbrook, who had worked in his father’s household his entire life, had called them “twins at heart.” But from Gerard’s experiences, being too helpful could get one into trouble and cause unnecessary pain and frustration—mostly to himself.

But he hadn’t come here because of his own helpfulness, or even because Delia wanted him to. He’d come because he truly thought God had told him to.

And so far everything had fallen into place. Perhaps this attraction he felt for Princess Elyce was a test, or even a temptation from the devil, that he was supposed to overcome. After all, Jesus was led into the wilderness by the Holy Spirit to fast and then be tempted by the devil. It was written that all must share in the sufferings of Christ Jesus.

Gerard let out a deep breath. He was tired of thinking about it all, but he felt a measure of peace in redirecting his mind to Jesus, whose suffering meant that all people might be forgiven.

He heard Sir Oswalt’s boots coming from the adjacent room.

“Are you ready to go to the Great Hall?” Sir Oswalt was dressed better than Gerard had ever seen him.

“Is there someone you’re trying to impress?”

“What do you mean?” Sir Oswalt looked down at himself. “There’s nothing wrong with what I’m wearing.”