Page 58 of Castle of Refuge

“What I want?”

She nodded.

“I want... I want to be able to take care of who and what I am responsible for—my land and my people, my castle and my horses and sheep, my servants. I want to be a good steward of what God has given me, to do good things and leave my demesne a better place when I die.” And he wanted a woman to love and cherish, someone who would love him in return. But he couldn’t say that.

She nodded slowly.

“And I do know what you meant byFernweh. I often long for something, and I don’t know exactly what it is. But yes, there is something inside that yearns... intensely.”

“I also wonder about something else, but I am not sure I should ask you.”

“You may ask me anything.” Why did he suddenly feel nervous?

“How does it make you feel to have lost your arm?” She said the words very softly and gently.

Of all the things she could have asked him . . . He sighed. “It makes me feel . . . like a weak person who allowed his enemy to defeat him. And I always prided myself on my strength. It makes me angry and bitter, because the circumstances that ledto it were caused by greed. Of all things, I think that is the most unforgivable sin.”

“What is?”

“Greed. To wrong someone for material gain, to be so grasping that one would cause great suffering and hardship on another living person.”

She nodded.

“And to lose my arm feels very personal, as if someone came too close and took something precious that never should have been taken.” He could feel the heat making its way up the back of his neck. He took a deep breath while he calmed down. “But I am learning to be thankful that the injury was not worse, to be thankful that I lived, because one of the men I fought that day... did not. And the realization that I took someone’s life has also been something I’ve had to think about when I wake up in the night and cannot go back to sleep.”

Her eyes were full of concern when he forced himself to look at her.

“I always expected that I might have to kill someone in a battle or someone who was attacking me, but the soldier I killed was only doing his duty and defending himself. Still... it had to be done. I was defending myself as well as my younger brothers. We were set to be executed... But I do not wish to burden you with my burden. I am at peace with it—in the daytime at least.”

“I understand. When I awake in the middle of the night, that is when fears attack me that I don’t think about much duringthe day. That is when I start imagining Maris coming after me and doing more spiteful things to me.”

The poor girl. She had truly been wronged, and by someone who should have been her closest friend, her own sister who grew up next to her.

“It is strange, because as much as I distrust and dislike her, I do feel sorry for her. I pity her because her thinking is so warped. I pity her because she always wanted me to pity her. She almost demanded it. Isn’t that strange? She hated me but she demanded that I pity her. And even after she caused me so much harm, I still don’t hate her.”

She shook her head as they drew near to the stork’s nest.

“Oh, I see it!” Her smile was as bright as the sun. “I never imagined it would be so big.” She spoke in hushed tones now, watching as the mama bird swooped in and started feeding her babies.

And he knew now more than ever that he wanted to protect Audrey and gain her esteem, as much as he had wanted anything in this world.

***

It was evening. Edwin fidgeted with his knife, carving a sketch of a bird’s nest into a block of wood he’d been using to blot his ink when he wrote letters. He was waiting in the library for Mistress Wattlesbrook to make her weekly report to him about the matters of the house servants and household expenses.

Mistress Wattlesbrook arrived in her usual bustling way, her hair a bit askew as it was wont to be at the end of the day.

“My lord, I trust you are well this evening,” she said and sat in the chair near him.

“I am well. And you, Mistress Wattlesbrook? Is your leg still paining you?”

“God bless you, no, it is better today.”

“I am glad to hear it.”

They proceeded with the usual report, nothing out of the ordinary, and she presented him with the list of household expenses and needs for the following week. When she was finished, Lord Dericott launched into what he wanted to ask her.

“You know the lady, Audrey, a bit better than I do, I believe. What kinds of things does she like? Places she might like to go or things she might like to do?”