Page 31 of Castle of Refuge

Audrey shouldn’t have said so much or revealed so many things about herself. But there was something about Lord Dericott that made her feel safe and made her want to tell him her thoughts and feelings, to answer his questions and share even more with him than he asked. Perhaps it was because she sensed she could trust him not to look down on her but also not to feel sorry for her. He would feel compassion without contempt, give her dignity without dismissing her pain. He had been through his own share of injustice.

“Your scars don’t make you ugly. I can’t even see them.”

“You are very kind.”

Truly, he was kind. But to what purpose? It was strange that he would speak thusly to a servant. Did he recognize her after all? She should be more careful around him.

“I should go attend to the ledgers my steward wanted to review with me. Will you be all right?”

“Of course. I should go and see if Mistress Wattlesbrook willallow me to do something, if I can convince her that I am well.” She smiled, remembering their earlier conversation about that woman’s caring precautions.

They walked back together—although she walked a step behind him, as he was the master. When they came to a pretty little stone bridge that spanned the stream, he pointed at it and said, “My grandfather had that bridge built so the shepherds could bring the sheep over the stream to the pasture on this side. When the water level was high, the younger sheep would sometimes get swept away.”

“It is a very pretty bridge.” Maris would ridicule her for saying a bridge was pretty. Would Lord Dericott think her strange?

“I have always thought so too. That is, after spending more time away from home than I spent here, I was able to appreciate its beauty.”

Once again she had worried about someone thinking she was odd or daft because of something Maris might say, when she should realize Maris only wished to be spiteful. But it was so difficult to completely dismiss all the things Maris had said, things Audrey had believed for so long about herself. She hadn’t realized she’d had so many of Maris’s thoughts in her head until she came here and met people like Mistress Wattlesbrook and Lord Dericott, people who were safe to open up to about her innermost thoughts.

“Are there many streams and bridges where you grew up?” he asked.

“About the same as here.” Was he trying to find out where she came from?

They walked rather slowly, and he said, “I have liked all of the areas I have visited in England.”

“Have you ever been to the Continent?”

“No. Have you?”

Audrey laughed. “Of course not.” A servant girl would have had no opportunity to travel to the Continent. And even as a viscount’s daughter, she rarely went far. It had been ten years since she’d been to her aunt and uncle’s home in Derbyshire.

He could command her to tell him where she had come from. He seemed curious. But he refrained from ordering her to answer any prying questions. He was incredibly gracious.

Her mind flashed back to when Maris had asked her for the tapestry, feigning amiability when she’d actually planned to trip her and cause serious harm to her. Was Lord Dericott trying to lull her into a false sense of safety, only to betray her later? No, no, she should not think such things, not after he had taken care of her and allowed her to stay.

Would she ever be able to trust again? Would she ever stop remembering the horror of what her sister had done to her?

“Dericott Castle is very striking and grand. I like the windows and that some of the towers are square. My—” She stopped talking. She’d almost said, “My father’s castle towers are all round.” That would have been a serious blunder.

“Your?” he prompted.

“My... experience with castles is very limited. Oh, look at that beautiful swan.” She pointed at the bird as they passed a small pond, eager to change the topic of conversation and relieved Lord Dericott stopped to watch the swan as it swam gracefully.

Why was Lord Dericott moving so slowly? It was taking so long to get to the castle. Not that she disliked his company, but she had come so close, multiple times, to revealing too much about herself.

“Delia once told me that she felt we were like swans, me and my brothers and her, trying to swim together and keep one another safe.” He smiled slightly, his eyes taking on a faraway look.

What must it be like to have siblings who were not vicious, with whom one could have a close friendship? Audrey remembered the family she’d seen in the village having a meal together, smiling and talking, and she suddenly longed for that sisterly bond, so much that her chest ached. Was this envy? Or just a desire to have a connection and a sense of belonging with someone who would not hurt her?

The swan moved closer, and Audrey saw that several little cygnets were swimming along behind the tall swan.

“Oh, it’s a mother. Do you see the babies?” she couldn’t help saying.

“I do. She comes back each year to our little pond to hatch her eggs.”

The cygnets were fuzzy and dark gray, much different from their snow-white mother. How beautiful and sweet they all were, each one perfectly formed and full of innocence.

The mother did not seem to like the two large humans staring at her, and she moved away, soon hidden from view behind some bushes along the bank.