Page 45 of A Dangerous Engagement

Mr.Merrick quickly pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to her.

“I am pretending to be his fiancée—I am his fiancée. But I have no intention of marrying him.” She wiped her eyes and nose. “I am not that kind of girl. I have never kissed a man before, Mr.Merrick, and I do not even like it.” A tiny sob escaped her.

“Miss Mayson, you don’t have to tell me—”

“And I have lied to him over and over. I don’t lie, Mr.Merrick. I never lie.”

Why was she telling him all this? What must he think of her? She had to stop.

She covered her face with his handkerchief and forced herself to think only about breathing.Breathe in. Breathe out.But it was no use. She couldn’t stop her thoughts.

“You must believe me. I had no idea they were revolutionaries when they invited me here or I never would have come. I thought Mr.Ratley truly loved me. But now the thought of marrying him makes me feel sick. Kissing him is repulsive, but I know I am doing it not only to save my own life and that of my aunt but to save my country. Still, I wish it was over.” She pressed the handkerchief to her face again to catch the tears that fell.

“Please do not cry, Miss Mayson.”

She felt his warm hand on her shoulder, just resting there, comforting.

“You don’t know how grateful I am that you distracted Mr.Ratley when I was in Lady Blackstone’s room. If not for you, I might have been killed, and all might have been lost. You are a hero, Miss Mayson.”

She tried to sniff discreetly and wipe her nose. She didn’t want to blow into his handkerchief. How mortifying.

“How you must scorn me for crying.” She did her best to wipe her face and clear her throat, determined not to cry any more. “I am not fearless like you.”

“Not at all. I think you are much braver than any woman I know.”

She let out a short laugh at that.

“Truly, most women—even most men I know—would not have agreed to help spy on such dangerous people. And I am not fearless, only motivated. Truthfully, I don’t enjoy lying and pretending either. I thought I wanted to be a spy, that it would be exciting, but ... You will think me foolish and immature.”

She looked up, forgetting about how red and puffy her face must appear. “I won’t. Tell me.”

“I wanted to prove to my brothers that I could do something they had never done. You see, I am the youngest, and my older brothers always did everything before I was able to—they climbed the highest trees while I fell and broke my leg. They went hunting with Father while I was left at home. My oldest brother will inherit my father’s estate, and my next oldest brother is a rector, while my third brother is an officer in the army. I thought I could impress them if I did something important.”

He half frowned, half smiled at himself. His eyes held such a vulnerable light.

“You see? I am not so brave. I began only to impress my brothers. But now ... I am serving England and the Crown.”

“Yes, of course. You are doing something very noble and good. Your brotherswouldbe impressed. Will be impressed.”

His shoulders were wide and seemed to fill the tiny room. But it was the vulnerable, self-deprecating expression in his eyes and on his face that made him even more appealing. Truly, she wondered how different it might be to kiss Mr.Merrick’s lips than Mr.Ratley’s. She wished she could find out.

Felicity ducked her head, unable to look Mr.Merrick in the eye. How could she think such a thing? All this kissing and duplicity was addling her mind.

“I wish I had tried to get the papers earlier, after Mr.Ratley left.”

“No, you did the right thing. It is best to be cautious, especially now that we have this.” He held up the key. “When we get out of here and get back to London, I shall make sure Lord Sidmouth knows what you’ve done, stealing this key and helping to find those papers, memorizing information. Your help has been very valuable.”

“That is kind of you to say.”

“It is the truth.”

The longer she stayed in this room with him, the more she realized how improper it was. But propriety seemed the least of her worries. England, as she knew it, could cease to exist if she and Mr.Merrick did not succeed in stopping Lady Blackstone.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Philip couldn’t help admiring Miss Mayson’s determination to do what was right even when she was terrified. What an admirable girl she was. Mr.Ratley didn’t deserve her even on his best day—even if he weren’t an easily led, lawless insurrectionist.

She was also quite lovely, her eyes shining with residual tears. Every instinct urged him to protect her, but so much was at stake. Protecting her could lead to mistakes, and a mistake could cost him his mission, the respect of his colleagues, and public humiliation, not to mention his life and the lives of others.